Recognizing and Dealing with Toxic Relationships

Occasionally, relationships can cause unease and stress rather than happiness and peace. Even though your family or relationship may appear wonderful to others, the reality may be entirely different. The latest edition of our mental health guide explores the concept of toxic relationships.

What are toxic relationships?

Toxic relationships are those in which a person experiences negative feelings – anxiety, fatigue, vulnerability, insecurity, and sometimes even fear. They can be caused by a variety of actions by a partner – manipulation, lies, offensive jokes, devaluation, jealousy, unwarranted criticism, ignoring needs, gaslighting, and threats.

Toxic relationships can happen not only in romantic but also in friendly, work or family relationships: the same feelings arise in a child next to a manipulating parent, and in an employee – in a team where it is accepted to criticize each other without restraint in expressions.

There is no scientific definition of toxic relationships, this expression comes from pop psychology. In 1995, psychologist Lillian Glass used the word “toxic” in her book “Toxic People: How to Deal With Them” to describe relationships lacking mutual respect, cooperation, and support, where one partner aims to suppress the other. Over time, the new meaning of the word took hold due to the accuracy of the comparison: relationship problems are often not obvious but continue to have a harmful effect, like toxic substances.

There are no clear criteria by which relationships can be unambiguously called toxic. Usually, psychologists advise relying on your own feelings: if a person’s behavior personally causes discomfort for you, then the relationship with them is toxic for you.

At the same time, your understanding of what is acceptable in communication may significantly differ from what others consider acceptable. Even if mutual sarcastic remarks have become a habit between a couple of your friends, the same remarks from a partner can hurt and upset you. Especially since, as American scientists have found out, just one rude word can increase the activity of the amygdala in the brain, responsible for forming a sense of fear and anxiety.

Abusive relationships are sometimes called the most difficult stage of toxic relationships, but there are still differences between them. While anyone can behave toxically, even unintentionally, an abuser acts consciously or at least semi-consciously. They understand that they are suppressing their partner and reach the extreme level of influence – physical and emotional violence. Another important characteristic that distinguishes abusive relationships from toxic ones is power imbalance, which makes it difficult for the victim to easily leave.

Conflicts and misunderstandings happen from time to time in any relationship, but it’s not necessary to immediately categorize them as toxic because of it. A significant sign of a toxic relationship is when a person constantly or for the most part feels bad in it, and the good moments simply get lost among the negativity. If you often hear such phrases, it’s worth considering whether or not you are in a toxic relationship:

• “I won’t accompany you unless you change your clothes.”
• “Stop being so sensitive, it was just a joke!”
• “Who is texting you? If you’re not willing to share, is there something you’re hiding?”
• “If you don’t comply with my way, we’ll have to end our relationship.”
• “Don’t irritate me!” or “You’re making me go insane!”
• “You have a face for the circus.”
• “Once again, you’re doing everything incorrectly!”

What causes the emergence of toxic relationships?

Due to mental disorders. It is known that people with certain personality disorders – narcissistic and antisocial – are prone to creating a toxic atmosphere in relationships and teams. These disorders are characterized by selfish behavior, manipulation, excessive control over others’ lives, and lack of empathy – all of which make relationships toxic.

Due to specific character traits. Egoism doesn’t always mean narcissistic personality disorder, and a person with a lack of empathy doesn’t necessarily have antisocial personality disorder. Sometimes these are just personal characteristics – stable features that also manifest in behavior, but not as strongly as in disorders.

Due to hypersensitivity. Rudeness, unfairness, criticism, and conflicts have the most significant impact on the emotional state of highly sensitive people. They react strongly to their own feelings, the world around them, and relationships with others. Therefore, the threshold of toxicity for them turns out to be lower, and the consequences of such behavior are more severe.

Hyper-sensitivity is not just a characteristic of character, but a property of the brain: in such people, it processes external stimuli very carefully, and, as some researchers believe, has a more developed insular cortex. It is responsible for self-awareness and plays an important role in our perception of events and formation of emotions.

Due to incompatibility. As Lillian Glass wrote, sometimes relationships between two incompatible people become toxic. For example, when two people who love to control everything come together. Or a sharp-tongued comedian and a person who is sensitive to humor directed towards them.

What risks are associated with being in a toxic relationship?

First of all, toxic relationships affect everyday life – mood deteriorates and self-esteem decreases. But, as with toxic waste, toxic relationships have delayed negative health consequences – depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, which usually manifest after several years of constant disagreements.

As a result of many years of observation of couples, it has been established that people who have difficulties in communicating with their spouses have an even higher risk of developing depression than those who are lonely.

Toxic relationships not only harm mental health, but physical health as well. People who are in toxic relationships are more likely to suffer from heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, obesity, have slower wound healing and experience more frequent flare-ups of chronic illnesses. American scientists have discovered that in older women, after arguments with their partners, symptoms of arthritis and type 2 diabetes were more pronounced. In addition, many people try to suppress negative emotions received in relationships with the help of alcohol and overeating.

How should one deal with toxic relationships?

Step 1: Recognize the issue

The danger of toxic relationships, like poisonous substances, may lie in their imperceptibility. If a person is used to ignoring mean jokes or interpreting total control as normal care, they may not understand where feelings of vulnerability and anxiety come from. Therefore, they will not begin to solve the problem.

If you agree with several of these statements, it may indicate a toxic relationship:

1. Relationships do not bring me joy and peace, on the contrary, I feel uneasy next to this person.
2. This person constantly ignores my needs and requests, and if I openly state them, I face devaluation.
3. I receive approval and praise only when I do something in the interests of this person.
4. I have to change my behavior and adapt to the person in order not to become a target for their mockery and insults.

Step 2: Communicate your dissatisfaction

Sometimes people behave toxically without any intention, and feedback from you will let them know that it is uncomfortable to be around them because of it. Do not hesitate to point out toxic actions, but use more verbs indicating facts and less adjectives giving assessment. Instead of saying “you are toxic,” it is better to say “you forgot about my request and it upset me.”

Step 3: If the individual’s behavior remains unchanged, reduce communication to a minimum.

Ending toxic relationships can be difficult, especially when it comes to parents and other close relatives. But with them, you can try to only communicate when necessary.

Clinical psychologist Sherry Campbell in her book “Toxic Relatives: How to Stop Their Influence on Your Life and Preserve Yourself” suggests using the technique of “heart contact”: when communicating, carefully monitor your words and reactions.

Both the topics of conversation and emotions should be superficial, positive, pleasant, and mostly focused on the family members themselves. Be interested in their affairs, avoid sharp topics, don’t argue, but at the same time remember that this is a kind of performance. This way, you can avoid getting involved in toxic communication and avoid self-flagellation – not blaming yourself for concessions to family members who cause you discomfort.

It is also worth meeting with toxic relatives as seldom as possible – only at common family gatherings or large events, and actively avoiding them the rest of the time. Campbell explains that this behavior is intended for self-defense and differs from intentional ignoring, which is used for manipulation and punishment. Therefore, it is not worth blaming yourself for refusing to communicate with relatives: it is a logical and natural consequence of their actions, not your whim.

But if the relationship only brings you suffering, and especially if they risk turning from toxic to abusive, there is only one way out – to break them off.

Step 4: Explore strategies to manage the repercussions.

Recovering from toxic relationships can be difficult and sometimes requires the help of professionals. However, it is still worth trying to help oneself independently.

There are many ways to turn relationships toxic, so everyone will have to find a suitable “detox” method. For example, if you often encounter criticism and nitpicking, work on increasing your self-worth – make a list of all your achievements and positive feedback that you have received from others. Encourage yourself even for small achievements – you will see that you can praise yourself for a lot.