Breaking the Cycle of Abuse: A Guide for Individuals Struggling with Anger Management in their Close Relationships

Millions of people are at risk of experiencing violence due to the ongoing war in the world, which has caused significant stress. Those impacted by the conflict may suffer from PTSD, while combat veterans’ anger and violent behavior can also become problematic. The war’s influence can still be felt even by those not in the combat zone, potentially provoking violence due to financial difficulties. Under such pressure, mental health can suffer, leading to emotional outbursts that harm loved ones. We explains the reasons why people resort to violence (not just physical, but emotional, financial, and sexual), how to identify such tendencies, how to stop them, and why it is preferable to refer to the perpetrator as a “perpetrator of violence” instead of an “abuser.”

To begin with, try to understand why you lose control. Violence can be provoked by a multitude of factors – from poverty to gender stereotypes.

Domestic violence is chronic abuse of power and restricting the freedom of another person. It has risk factors (usually multiple, but one of them dominates).

• Low self-esteem: in this case, violence becomes a way to feel one’s power and significance.
• Low level of self-control when interacting with people who cannot resist, personal irresponsibility and a clear conviction in one’s own innocence.
• Positive reinforcement: when it becomes easier after a breakdown, the psyche remembers this pattern, forms an algorithm, and sooner or later returns to it.
• Lack of problem-solving skills using methods other than violence.
• Some mental disorders (in rare cases). For example, during the manic phase of bipolar affective disorder, people may experience uncontrollable irritability, which can lead to outbreaks of aggression. Some personality disorders (such as borderline, antisocial, narcissistic) also increase the risk of a person using violence.
• Traumatic experience in childhood – the child suffered from violence or witnessed it, which can lead to dangerous attitudes being ingrained: that violence goes hand in hand with love, that it is normal, that everyone lives like this and that the stronger one is, the right one.
• Poverty.
• Stress. “When the lockdown happened, our center’s phone was constantly ringing with requests,” said Naira Parsadanyan during a lecture. Then there was a large influx of domestic violence cases. Some people lost their jobs, some started losing their loved ones, friends, and relatives. It wasn’t clear what was happening, information was scarce, and some were in a state of panic. The current stress caused by domestic or economic reasons has a strong impact on the level of internal tension, which needs to be released somewhere.”
• Vulnerability to rigid gender stereotypes: how men and women should behave in relationships, deal with pain, feelings and emotions, behave in everyday life, and what behavior is considered appropriate depending on gender.
• Cultivation of aggression in society.

The risk of violent behavior also increases among people who abuse psychoactive substances. However, this is not a separate cause of violent behavior, but rather a catalyst for other factors. Addictions, especially chemical ones, are associated with high excitability and impulsiveness, low aggression control, and problems with information processing. A person in an altered state of consciousness can incorrectly assess the situation, perceive a threat where there is none, and react harshly.

If you are afraid that you may cause harm, fill out the checklist of a potential perpetrator of violence.

There are three tactics that a person with a tendency towards violence in relationships uses to shift the focus from their own actions to circumstances. These are denying the violent act, minimizing it, and blaming the victim. This list can help determine if one has a tendency towards violent behavior.

• You strive to spend as little time as possible getting to know another person and learning to communicate with them; you try to quickly start living on the same territory and legalize the relationship; regardless of the other side’s opinion, you make decisions for as many issues as possible; and you also expect the other person to behave perfectly and meet your expectations.
• You are cruel to animals, children, or people who work in the service industry.
• You consider all or most of your current or former partners, colleagues or friends to be bad people and allow yourself to make derogatory remarks about them
• You think that a close person (partner, child, parent, friend, colleague) knows your weak spots and deliberately presses on them to ruin your mood.
• You feel like you have to tolerate too many antics from someone close to you until you reach a boiling point and lose it.
• Your mood depends on the behavior of those close to you. It is especially often affected by the words and actions of others.
• You can demonstrate physical strength if you are unhappy (for example, punching a table, breaking dishes or furniture).

10 more points

• You allow yourself to make threats towards another person.
• You believe that you constantly have to control, teach, direct, and criticize someone close to you, otherwise they will not improve or get better.
• You feel that a close person is provoking you and asking to be put in their place.
• You consider yourself smarter, more successful, more interesting, and better than your close one.
• You are sure that your loved ones cannot and even should not have any secrets from you?
• You don’t accept refusals, including during sex. You yourself may also have difficulty saying no.
• You believe that in a relationship, one person (usually a woman) is responsible for everything, as it is their natural destiny, and the other person (i.e., you) can do whatever they want.
• When you go somewhere together, you may be embarrassed by the appearance or behavior of your loved one.
• You are excessively jealous of a loved one – any “unusual” behavior can be perceived as a threat to the security of your relationship with another person.
• “You believe that your opinion should be decisive in any disputes.”
• Are you sure that everything is okay with you, but someone close to you is clearly mentally unhealthy.
• You deny, minimize, and devalue the consequences of your behavior, even if your loved ones claim otherwise.

The more points apply to you, the more closely you need to analyze your thoughts and actions.

It is also important to note whether your actions have a cyclical nature. Typically, the classic cycle of violence is divided into three stages:

• Increasing tension (a display of dissatisfaction both with cause and without).
• Explosion or peak of violence (at the beginning of a relationship, it may appear as an argument).
• “Honeymoon” (an attempt to seem better, bombarding with love, attention, and care).

Participants in combat operations and people who have experienced war are less likely to “give” their partners a “honeymoon” phase. Additionally, in instances of violent outbursts, it is more commonly physical rather than psychological or economic: the need to throw something or hit an inanimate object, slap, push, kick, hit or even harm another person. Of all emotional expressions, threats are more common than neglect or gaslighting.

To stop violence or prevent it, try to work on yourself. Changing is not easy, but it is possible.

Acts of violence are a “chronic” behavior, and it is very difficult to suddenly learn how to interact with other people. It is best to seek help from a specialist. However, this does not mean that the author of the violence cannot do anything to change.

Be attentive to your behavior.

To break the vicious cycle of violence, it is necessary to change one’s own behavior, not that of those close to you. One of the first and very important steps is to notice that you are being violent. If you feel that there are elements of violence in your words or actions, you need to carefully monitor what you say or do and analyze your behavior.

Violence does not go unpunished: relationships with a partner deteriorate, children become withdrawn, communication with loved ones breaks down. If you notice signs of violence in your behavior, it is very important to acknowledge it. You need to learn to recognize and accept both your own pain and the pain of the person towards whom you are being violent – this requires great courage and readiness to take responsibility.

Look for information

Articles, research and checklists of abusive behavior can help identify violence. You can read literature, for example, trauma therapist Naira Parsadanyan recommends books by Lundy Bancroft “Why does he do that?” or Susan Forward “Men who hate women”

A good idea would be to compile a list of situations and typical patterns of behavior in which you act as the perpetrator of violence, in order to make it easier to analyze your behavior. Often, the perpetrator of violence feels lonely, empty, unhappy and vulnerable, unworthy of love and insignificant. This does not justify violence, but it is important to try to understand where such thoughts come from in order to be able to work with them.

Listen to what other people are saying

Pay attention to the words of your partner, children, parents, friends, colleagues, and neighbors. Try to observe your own behavior: perhaps these are not unfounded accusations, but an attempt to reach out to you.

However, if you feel that you are being blamed for something you did not do, you have to suppress your desires, apologize endlessly, feel guilty, anxious, and unsure of yourself, and if you suspect yourself of being overly sensitive and losing interest in life, you may be suffering from gaslighting.

In this case, it is necessary to pay closer attention both to your own emotions and to the behavior of other people. This does not exclude the risk of violent manifestations on your part, but it may be a sign of mutual violence.

Strive to express emotions constructively

It is very important to seek “eco-friendly” ways of communication and satisfying your desires in a safe manner. You will need to find situations where you can talk about what you don’t like and what you want (in this case, I-messages will work), apologize if you are wrong, in order to build a constructive dialogue. It is also important to recognize that not everyone is always willing to meet you halfway.

Learn how to stop

If you feel in the moment that you are ready to manifest violence or have already done so, you should try to break off contact as soon as possible: go to another room, breathe fresh air, drink water and return to reality. And when you come to your senses, you can try to determine the trigger that provoked the violence, what happened and what feelings it caused, what real need you were trying to satisfy.

Don’t give up and seek support (and don’t call yourself an “abuser”)

You cannot wait for the problem to solve itself. Psychological violence will sooner or later lead to physical violence, inevitably destroying important close relationships, even with those people on whom the violence is not directly directed, but they observe it (for example, these can be children). In turn, this can lead to a deep sense of loneliness, isolation, misunderstanding, constant shame, up to depression and even suicidal thoughts.

It is also not necessary to brand oneself as an “abuser” – instead, it is better to use the term “perpetrator of violence/person prone to violent actions”. Calling oneself an abuser stigmatizes and hinders seeking help: it seems that being an abuser is a pathology, a permanent role that cannot be changed. But this is not true. It is important to separate the person from their behavior, take responsibility for one’s actions, and find motivation for change. And the label only hinders moving forward.

Do not be afraid to ask for help – dealing with a tendency towards violence alone is more difficult

Violence can be very difficult to recognize. Its physical and sexual manifestations are much easier to notice than psychological ones. At a minimum, this is because situations in which people excessively control, prohibit something, insult, humiliate, use reproductive or financial violence are often perceived as a manifestation of love, care, and normal behavior in general.

It is very difficult to admit a tendency towards violence, and it is even more difficult to independently change one’s behavior and stop using violence in relationships. Along the way, it is important not only to be influenced by other people, but also by your internal motivation. If you notice that people around you are unhappy and afraid of you, it means that something in your behavior makes them think of danger.

Define your priorities: what kind of relationships do you want – where you are loved and respected or feared and obeyed? If only you feel good in the family, and others try to minimize contact or be convenient – this is a very alarming sign.

Once you realize that you are committing violence, you need to try to think about what and why you are doing it, what you even consider violence. Try to ask yourself the question: “Is there any other way to solve the situation?” If the answer is not found, refrain from violent behavior (and let’s repeat – this is not only about physically harming other people; a strong need, for example, to scream, hit the wall or break dishes, can also be dangerous) is not possible, then there is a problem.

It is important to understand that changing behavior and giving up violent behavior is a long process that requires time and effort. Sometimes difficulties arise that slow down progress, such as serious emotional upheavals and global problems. However, this does not mean that any actions taken will be in vain. Be prepared for this.

A request for help is a sign of courage. Perhaps you will feel calmer if you learn how psychologists can help

During work with perpetrators of violence, many psychologists follow the following approach.

1. Episodes of violence are thoroughly examined (sometimes a person may call themselves an abuser even though they have not actually attempted to harm someone), as well as the decisions that lead to violence (which are always made by the perpetrator of violence, with triggers being secondary).
2. The causes and tense situations in the past and present are being investigated.
3. Short-term and long-term goals and consequences of violence are being studied.
4. Socially acceptable and non-violent response options are being developed.

Taking such a step can be very difficult, but not impossible. No one should stay alone with their difficult experiences related to violent behavior. It is important to understand that asking for help is not a weakness, but a sign of courage, and such a decision can only evoke respect and gratitude.