The book by psychotherapist and family psychologist David Richo “How to be an Adult in Relationships: 5 Keys to Mindful Love” has been released. Based on the Buddhist concept of mindfulness, the author presents the main characteristics of mature love: tracking all the feelings that arise in relationships; accepting oneself and others; understanding one’s own and others’ capabilities, desires, and peculiarities; feeling attachment; realizing that love cannot be controlled but should be accepted with the ecstasy and pain it brings. We publish an excerpt from the chapter devoted to the first stage of relationships.
According to Einstein, understanding nature can lead to an understanding of human history. Nature is known for its cyclical patterns, which are reflected in our lives. However, we often try to cling to past relationships and resist change, similar to expecting a rose to bloom indefinitely without going through its natural cycle of budding, blooming, and eventually withering. In nature, death is a necessary component of rebirth and renewal. Therefore, humans should embrace the transformations that love undergoes, from budding to fading, and start anew. Shakespeare’s Juliet exemplifies this idea by expressing hope that the “bud of love” will “blossom into a beautiful flower” by the next meeting. Relationships are like roses – their petals open during the falling-in-love period, thorns develop during conflicts, and roots grow during commitments. We should accept the rose in its entirety, with its petals and thorns that can hurt us but also help us become more open.
Experiences and interests typically follow a parabolic pattern – they rise, reach a peak, and then decline. This graph also reflects the transient nature of human existence; nothing is permanent, and everything undergoes change. Similarly, the level of interest in a person can increase during the romantic love phase, decrease during conflicts, and stabilize at the commitment stage. For love to be true and lasting, it must persist through all of these stages. Relationships that are based primarily or solely on physical and sexual attraction will not survive the fluctuations that occur over time.
The growth phase of a relationship naturally leads to a culmination point, which can create an illusion of constancy. During this phase, mindfulness is often replaced by attachment, which can ultimately lead to conflicts. However, healthy relationships involve actively working through conflicts through open communication and dialogue. This process can help pave the way for the commitment phase of a relationship. In a sense, one phase leads naturally to the next, and the curve of the relationship’s progression moves through a series of ascents and descents. As the relationship begins its descent, it is also beginning a new ascent towards the next stage of growth.
The fact that relationships go through different phases is something to appreciate and even celebrate. Without change, life can become monotonous and uneventful. Human relationships, much like life itself, can undergo stages of beginning, transformation, loss, grief, and renewal. These stages are not linear, and the progression can be unpredictable, taking us back and forth in a seemingly random order. The true goal of any relationship is not to prolong it for as long as possible and turn it into a rigid structure. Instead, we should embrace change and evolve alongside our relationships. If we try to hold onto a relationship too tightly and resist change, it may ultimately lead to negative outcomes. Therefore, we should welcome the changes that come with the different phases
Our goal is to enjoy changes and growth, to use relationships as a medium for personal transformation. Without working together on relationship changes, they turn into a cabal.
Stages are a natural part of all types of relationships, not just romantic ones. This includes relationships between parents and children, friends, members of a religious community, and so on. The hero’s journey also follows a similar pattern of departure, struggle, and return. The hero leaves their home, undergoes a series of trials, and ultimately strives for reunification on a more mature level. This sequence is ingrained in us from the beginning and is something that we all go through instinctively, unless we actively interrupt it. Eliminating one of these stages can create a gap that later turns into a void that requires filling. For example, children typically obey their parents at a young age, which is a normal aspect of healthy attachment. However, children who are given absolute freedom and have no boundaries may grow up without a sense of structure and direction. This can lead them to seek out organizations with strict rules, such as cults, to fill this void. Unfortunately, they may not see the drawbacks of such communities, such as the danger of a lack of personal development.
Love goes through these three phases because it is necessary to acquire the ability to give and receive the five elements of love. Like a flower, love must first bloom and emit a heady aroma. It must then be shaken by the winds of conflicts and challenges, which ultimately strengthens its roots. Finally, its seeds must fall into fertile soil, which represents the stage of commitment. In the romantic stage, two egos come together to experience perfect love. However, conflicts and disagreements inevitably arise, causing their love to become entangled. Through taking on responsibilities and coming together as two personalities, they can let go of their egos and grow in love and commitment.
Mature love
Love is one of the most fulfilling experiences in human life, bringing a sense of all-consuming happiness from feeling adored and valued. The reason for this is simple: the five elements of love are transmitted in both directions, creating a synchronous exchange between partners. This is why the romantic period is so full of tenderness and is desirable for people of all ages. It is important to enjoy this period of love, but also to be mindful and cautious, like Odysseus with the songs of the sirens. We must admire the beauty of love, but not become so consumed by it that we lose sight of safety and our own well-being. We must not only be enthusiastic participants, but also impartial witnesses, ready to react and avoid stumbling if necessary.
The initial romantic phase is characterized by an intense infatuation that often obscures one’s vision of reality. During this phase, people tend to focus on projecting their idealized image onto their partner, rather than seeing them as they really are. Psychologist Irvin Yalom explains that falling in love reflects one’s own desires and expectations. It’s like looking into a mirror that only shows what we want to see. However, this is not true love. Love is not blind; it sees everything. It’s infatuation that blinds us to the imperfections of our partner and only sees what it wants to see.
You can be in love and not love – not giving the five elements of love, because it is only possible when you know a person well.
None of the above can be considered a disadvantage as this is simply how people love. Instead, our projections should be altered, and we must seek the path to reality through reflection. It is important to note that shadows cannot exist without light. Moreover, when we are in love, even if we are unaware, we are evaluated as potential partners. Falling in love provides us with the opportunity to showcase our best qualities, much like in our childhood when all attention was focused on us. Lovers are not mistaken; they perceive the objects of their passion as ideal at the depths of their souls. In healthy romantic love, reflection aids in improving self-esteem.
On the flip side, the initial infatuation can deceive us with the promise of receiving the five elements of love that were lacking in our childhood. This can be the cruelest love illusion: the belief that we will receive everything in abundance and never have to grieve again. We might even think that we can find everything we need in the arms of our beloved.
The plot of a love story often begins with two individuals falling in love with each other, either gradually or suddenly. In the latter scenario, love can bring them pain or even throw them into danger. This feeling can engulf them like the ever-shifting sands of a desert. They may feel powerless, naive, and consumed by emotions that are beyond their control. However, true and sensible love is based on conscious bonds, not on a magical trance.
Genuine love is not a random occurrence, and those who pursue it are not passive victims. It is a conscious choice that stems from attraction, which we cannot control. We are only responsible for the choices we make and must do so with mindfulness and intentionality. When we act consciously, strong emotions can lead to significant transformations. We can acknowledge our feelings without giving in to them, recognizing that attraction arises involuntarily, but love is a process that requires our active participation. It is a distinctive way of experiencing satisfaction, both through receiving and giving. In a sense, it is a form of rebirth.
Desire is the root of infatuation, whereas love stems from a deliberate act of will. Infatuated individuals may believe that they have found the missing five elements of love in their current relationship, and that their partner completes them while they complete their partner. They might think that they have been waiting their entire life for this kind of love, and now that they have found it, they will never let it go. They may also hold the belief that this love will only grow stronger with time, and that only true love can be this powerful and everlasting. However, the last sentence describes an illusion as the strength of love does not guarantee its eternity. It is merely an emotional characteristic that can fluctuate over time.
Infatuation is a bright and useful experience, as long as you don’t become addicted to it. It is the best beginning of a relationship, a bridge to mature commitments. But this stage does not last long.
During the initial stages of a relationship, infatuation is present as it facilitates mating, the propagation of the species, and mutual support. This period is characterized by a high level of sexual energy and adrenaline. However, the excess of these hormones can lead to a reduction in immunity and have a negative impact on health. As a result, infatuation only lasts as long as it is necessary for sexual contact and the reproduction of offspring.
The statement, “I know he can be tender and truly close because he was like that in the beginning,” fails to acknowledge that infatuation can mask a person’s flaws as they prioritize entering into a sexual relationship. Lovers may deceive themselves during the romantic phase and subsequently feel disillusioned when their partner reverts to their usual fears, priorities, dependencies, and basic instincts. However, it is important to note that the individual was not lying; they were merely in love and returned to their authentic selves when the infatuation phase ended. If a person is afraid of intimacy, even during the romantic phase of the relationship, it implies that fear supersedes attraction, and we should be extra cautious.
Teenagers often experience love as a loss of control, feeling that they cannot live without the object of their affection. However, this type of love is different from mature, conscious love which is characterized by rationality, boundaries, and clarity. The desire to fall in love with someone extraordinary is often a call from the inner child, highlighting the need for personal growth rather than seeking a potential savior.
Believing in the exclusivity of a relationship can also be a powerful force. Phrases such as “I’ve never felt like this before,” or “we’ll love each other forever” may indicate a sense of true love, but they can also be warning signs that suggest the need for self-improvement. When seeking the fulfillment of the five elements of love, it can be challenging to think clearly and make sound decisions.
The pleasure of being in love can be experienced without deluding oneself with illusions that bring disappointment. How is it possible? Healthy relationships lead to mutual attachment, while unhealthy ones lead to dependence or domination. One electrical wire conducts electricity while the other does not.
Although it cannot be denied that falling in love can bring immense happiness, it is a state that holds a significant spiritual connection with our higher self. By surrendering control, loving unconditionally, and practicing forgiveness, we experience a profound connection that feels like a slice of heaven on earth. It is an all-encompassing feeling, like being embraced by a mother, and we sense an inexplicable force that is otherworldly, causing time to stand still. These are the types of supernatural experiences that we encounter, and we use fitting expressions to describe them, such as “His face lit up,” or “I’ve never seen her so beautiful.” They are phenomena that stem from our spiritual reality. Even the cliché phrase “they lived happily ever after” holds a significant meaning that is beyond our understanding. Being in love elevates us to a spiritual level, which is why we feel a deep connection with our partner.
With time, infatuation tends to fade away, and it’s common to feel sad about it. However, many people struggle to come to terms with this and acknowledge the reality of the situation. As passion dwindles, it can be replaced with negative emotions like resentment, disappointment, and even anger. Interestingly, going through this grieving process together can actually bring couples closer, but it’s important to note that the first major challenge they face can also be the breaking point for their relationship.
Expressing gratitude towards each other for the support provided and openly discussing the current situation can strengthen the commitment and mutual respect between partners. When a relationship progresses from one stage to another, it showcases a mature outlook towards the essential aspect of life – the constantly changing and evolving nature of reality. As the Taoist philosopher Hanh Hun once said, it’s a risky move to rely on external conditions as a means of self-definition.
The phase of exploration precedes infatuation, as explained in the previous chapter. During this period, individuals tend to ask questions about their partner’s past relationships and the reasons for their breakup. Just as a treasure hunter carefully examines their discovery before claiming success with a triumphant “Eureka!”, it’s important to approach potential relationships with a similar level of scrutiny. While we don’t hire someone without conducting an interview or reviewing their resume, people often rush into relationships based on impulsive desires or a need to alleviate loneliness.
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