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It’s impossible to find a perfect “soulmate” who meets all your criteria, and even if you do, you can’t avoid conflicts or loss of interest. However, accepting this reality and having reasonable expectations can improve your chances of finding happiness in a relationship. Knowing this is key to not missing out on the right person.
What are the chances of finding the perfect partner?
Back in 2010, a Warwick University economics graduate student named Peter Backus wrote a witty paper titled “Why I Don’t Have a Girlfriend: Applying Drake’s Equation to Love in the UK.” The Drake Equation is a mathematical formula used to estimate the number of alien civilizations in our galaxy that humans could potentially communicate with. However, Backus used the formula to address a different challenge: finding his perfect match in London, a woman who was educated, physically attractive, and the right age for him.
The Drake Equation looks like this:
N = R · fp · ne · fl · fi · fc · L
The original formula assigns variables such as fp to denote the fraction of stars with planetary systems, and L to denote the duration of time during which intelligent life exists on another planet and is ready to initiate contact, among others.
At the time of publication, when Backus was 31 years old, he wanted to find a woman in London between the ages of 24 and 34 who matched his age preferences. To do this, he adapted the Drake Equation, replacing L with the number of years he was capable of dating a girl, and introduced new variables such as fA, which represents the fraction of women in London who met his criteria.
According to Backus’ calculations, only 10,510 women in the UK satisfied his basic partner requirements, which is 0.00017% of the UK population and looks optimistic overall. However, he calculated that only one in 20 suitable women would find him attractive, half of them would be married, and he would only get along with one in ten of them. Thus, the number of women in London with whom he could create a “fantastic relationship” with mutual feelings was reduced to 26, and the probability of him finding the perfect partner was 1 in 285,000. While these conclusions may seem depressing to some, it is still one hundred times more likely than human contact with an extraterrestrial civilization.
Can a relationship with a perfect partner bring you happiness?
Peter Backus was not looking for someone with overly specific criteria – just someone between the ages of 24-34, with higher education, and living in London. It’s possible that’s why he ended up meeting and marrying Rose three years after publishing the paper, whom he met at a gathering with friends in London. However, for those who have more stringent criteria, the likelihood of finding their ideal partner is much lower. And this isn’t just about superficial details like music tastes or love for cats.
Philosopher Alain de Botton argues that the belief in the existence of a soul mate, a perfect match, or a unique and fated person for oneself is a significant obstacle to finding love. He explains how unrealistic expectations for a partner based on these beliefs can be problematic.
According to the myth of romantic love, the perfect partner should be someone who elicits a special, instinctive feeling of being “the one,” who understands and accepts you completely without trying to change you, who eliminates loneliness, and with whom every day should be happy. Additionally, the perfect partner should accept all your feelings and hopes, have no secrets, and be a complete match in sex.
According to the myth of romantic love, if conflicts arise in the relationship, loneliness persists, and happiness is unstable, then the partner is not considered a soulmate, and one is expected to end the relationship and search for their true match.
De Botton’s view is supported by research on family relationships, which shows that the idea of a soulmate is linked to lower marital satisfaction. Those who hold this belief tend to worsen relationship problems instead of resolving them. They are also more likely to end the relationship compared to those who do not expect their partner to be perfect.
Psychologists maintain that disagreements and dissatisfaction are an unavoidable aspect of love. At some point during the course of a relationship, every couple experiences arguments and letdowns.
Psychologists refer to the initial phase of a relationship as the symbiotic stage, during which two people meet, feel a spark between them, and get to know each other. They explore each other’s preferences and discover commonalities, such as shared musical tastes or mutual desires for a large house outside the city with a big dog.
After the initial infatuation fades, couples start noticing each other’s differences, such as annoying habits in daily life, leading to arguments and disappointment. However, once they overcome this crisis, known as the differentiation stage, they can continue developing their relationship and reach a mature and profound bond.
For those who believe in the concept of a soulmate, accepting that conflicts are natural and part of a relationship can be challenging. During the differentiation stage, they may think, “This is not my other half” and end the relationship. However, if they can’t navigate through this stage, they will have to repeat the process with each new partner and remain in search of “the one” indefinitely.
Scientific research indicates that it’s unrealistic to expect a partner to bring enduring happiness. Even the most ideal partner can only provide a brief burst of euphoria upon meeting due to hedonic adaptation. Initially, a happy experience can boost one’s mood, but over time, one becomes accustomed to it, ceases to value or pay attention to it, and the joy subsides to its original level.
A longitudinal study spanning two decades found that couples experience an initial boost in happiness when they begin dating, typically lasting for two to three years until marriage. The first year of marriage is also marked by this same euphoria. However, over time, this level of happiness gradually declines until it returns to its pre-relationship level.
Is the search for eternal love worth pursuing?
Unrealistic expectations of a partner and relationship lead to loneliness and breakups. To avoid this, one should consider redefining their concept of love.
The notion of romantic love implies that upon meeting your soulmate, love will instantaneously blossom, resulting in a perfect, conflict-free union. Essentially, love serves as the fundamental basis of the relationship, and this sentiment remains unchanged as you coexist in joy and harmony with your partner.
Rather than seeing love as the cause of relationships, it’s more practical to view it as a result of them. Don’t anticipate an immediate intense passion or for someone to meet all your expectations when you first meet them. Instead, consider developing intimacy gradually through friendship, shared interests, and comfort with each other. It’s important to note that this approach may not work in relationships that involve violence, but it may be worth fighting for relationships that don’t align with contemporary notions of perfect love.
Studies indicate that psychologists refer to calm, enduring love as “companionate” love, which tends to strengthen with time, lasts longer, and leads to greater happiness than passionate love, which is what people who believe in soulmates typically desire.
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