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It’s normal to spend a significant amount of time with a loved one and show empathy towards their problems by trying to help solve them or lending an ear to listen. Nevertheless, some individuals become excessively consumed by their relationships, leaving them depleted of energy. This state is commonly referred to as codependency, and it is the subject of our latest issue in the guide to the psyche.
What is codependency?
Codependency refers to a dysfunctional relationship wherein one participant becomes emotionally and psychologically dependent on the other, often at the expense of their own interests and needs. The term was coined in the 1950s by American psychologists who observed a particular psychological disorder among family members of individuals with drug addiction and alcoholism. This disorder, named codependency, was characterized by symptoms such as sacrificing personal well-being, both for themselves and other family members, in favor of the dependent person and unconsciously enabling their addictive behavior.
Although destructive and unhealthy relationships often occur in families where individuals struggle with addiction, modern psychologists no longer recognize the existence of a specific codependency disorder in these cases. Moreover, the desire to provide support and assistance to a loved one is no longer viewed as a pathological behavior.
Psychiatric associations have rejected the idea of codependency as a distinct diagnosis, and as a result, modern psychology uses the term to describe any relationship that is unbalanced and unequal, with one person consistently playing the role of the receiver, and the other the giver. Such relationships can have a highly detrimental impact on the life of the giver.
Codependency can manifest in various forms and occur not only between romantic partners, spouses, and parents and children, but also between friends, or even between a superior and their subordinates.
In codependent relationships, the giver typically exhibits the following traits:
- Focusing solely on the person in the receiving role.
- Making every effort to avoid conflict with them.
- Consistently seeking their opinion, even in mundane matters.
- Seeking their permission before making any decisions.
- Constantly apologizing, even when not at fault.
- Sympathizing with the person, even if they cause pain.
- Attempting to rescue or change individuals struggling with addictions or illnesses, despite the intractability of the problems.
- Willingness to do anything for the person in the receiving role, even if it causes discomfort.
- Idealizing the other person.
- Needing the approval of others in order to approve of oneself.
- Difficulty finding time for oneself due to excessive focus on others.
If you recognize several of these characteristics in yourself, it may indicate that you are in a codependent relationship.
Codependency can be manifested through thoughts and phrases such as:
- “She’s struggling again, but I’ll figure out a solution.”
- “I need to rescue him.”
- “He yelled at me, but it’s because of his financial problems, and I feel sorry for him.”
- “She’s asking me to come over, and even though I’m at work, I can’t say no.”
- “I can tell his mood by the way he opens the door.”
- “Despite everything, she’s the best mother and the most important person to me.”
- “I’d like to go on vacation, but I can’t leave him alone.”
- “My entire life revolves around him, his problems, joys, and interests.”
What is the root cause of codependency?
Co-dependency can arise for various reasons. Here are the most common ones.
Because of physiological features
A co-dependent individual’s prefrontal cortex may not possess the capacity to manage the analysis of empathetic responses that arise when witnessing others’ suffering. Consequently, empathy can escalate and become imbalanced, exceeding the limits of reality. As a result, people tend to prioritize the problems of others while neglecting their own needs.
Because of past experience
Experiencing negative life events, such as emotional abuse and neglect during childhood, can be a contributing factor to the development of codependency. Individuals who have had such experiences tend to display an inclination towards providing excessive care, seeking validation and approval, and having a strong desire to feel needed in their adult lives.
The notion that a woman’s role is to dedicate herself to her family, even in situations of abuse, can lead to the development of codependent behavior. The apprehension of deviating from societal norms can result in a desire to please, rescue, and self-sacrifice for the sake of a dependent or emotionally unstable individual.
What are the risks associated with codependency?
While it is natural to care for our loved ones and empathize with their problems, it can become problematic when caring becomes the central focus of our lives. Over time, we may lose sight of our own needs and identity, feeling trapped in the belief that others depend on us entirely. This can create an unbalanced dynamic in our relationships, where one partner gives and the other only receives, leading to feelings of guilt and inadequacy.
Codependent individuals often struggle with low self-esteem and have difficulty making decisions without considering others’ wants and needs. They may also experience depression, anxiety, and chronic stress, seeking professional help to address these symptoms. It is important for therapists to understand the underlying causes of codependency to provide effective treatment and not just alleviate surface-level symptoms.
How can codependency be addressed or managed?
A psychologist can assist in correcting unhealthy attachment patterns through various therapeutic approaches such as psychodynamic therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy, family therapy, or group therapy. These therapies aim to address the root cause of codependency by exploring childhood trauma, enhancing self-esteem, adjusting perceptions of relationships, and developing the ability to establish boundaries. Here are some techniques that can be utilized to overcome codependent tendencies.
Conduct an honest inventory of relationships
If you have a feeling that you or your partner may have a codependent tendency, it’s important to examine your interactions closely. Consider how you both behave towards each other and whether there is a healthy balance of giving and receiving.
Realize how codependency affects you
By contrasting healthy relationships, which are characterized by care and mutual support, with codependent ones, which have drawbacks such as an imbalance of power and low self-esteem, we can gain a better understanding of the impact relationships have on our lives. It is important to reflect on the benefits of healthy relationships and the negative effects of codependency in order to identify our priorities and determine the direction we want to take in our relationships. This reflection will enable us to recognize how our relationships impact our entire lives and develop a clear vision for how we want our relationships to be.
Take responsibility only for yourself
Individuals involved in codependent relationships should acknowledge their emotions, including both their strengths and weaknesses, and understand that they are responsible for their own behaviors and feelings. With time, one can develop the ability to set boundaries and overcome the persistent anxiety about their partner.
Take a break
It can be helpful to take a break from relationships and focus on self-improvement, if possible. However, it’s possible that a former partner or family member may try to manipulate you with frequent calls and messages. It’s essential to resist these attempts and clearly communicate that communication can only resume if there are actual changes in their behavior.
Take care of yourself
Merely ending old relationships may not be sufficient to overcome codependent tendencies. It’s crucial to address your own behavior, scrutinize your actions, and remain vigilant for signs that you may be slipping back into old patterns.
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