5 Tips for Successfully Surviving a Breakup

Ending a relationship always triggers unpleasant feelings such as disappointment, guilt, loneliness, and fear of repeating the same scenario with a new person. However, you can reduce their intensity, make the breakup less painful, and possibly come to terms with it faster by following these steps.

The outcome of a breakup

Couples often break up. Although there are no statistics available for the breakup of unofficial romantic relationships, American researchers attempted to calculate the frequency of unmarried adults breaking up. They found that 36.5% of participants between the ages of 18 and 35 experienced one or more breakups within 20 months.

The breakup of romantic relationships usually elicits strong emotions. Some researchers even compare it to mourning the death of a loved one, as we lose someone who played a significant role in our life. Even if the relationship was flawed, we may still feel guilty towards our partner and anxious about our future without them.

The stress of a breakup often leads to health problems. People who have recently ended a relationship often experience problems with sleep, emotional instability, temporary eating disorders, headaches, and gastrointestinal problems. In some cases, a breakup can trigger depression.

A relatively uncommon illness known as “broken heart syndrome” can occur amidst intense emotional experiences, accounting for roughly 2% of hospitalizations for heart attacks. The primary symptoms are similar to those of a heart attack, including severe chest pain, rapid heartbeat, and difficulty breathing. However, during a heart attack, a clot obstructs blood flow, whereas with broken heart syndrome, the heart muscle ceases to contract normally. Immediate medical attention is necessary for those experiencing this condition, although recovery typically occurs within a few days. Death from broken heart syndrome is exceptionally rare.

On average, it takes around three months to recover both emotionally and physically after a romantic breakup, according to a 2007 study conducted by Monmouth University researchers who surveyed 166 students that had experienced at least one breakup within the previous six months. Another study suggests that recovery from a divorce may take approximately a year and a half. To aid in the healing process, consider the following tips.

TIP #1 – Distract yourself

Constantly thinking about the broken relationship doesn’t aid in the process of getting over a breakup. In one experiment, scientists instructed people who were going through a breakup to think negatively about their former partner, feel love for them, or distract themselves with something else. Negative thoughts decreased the degree of love while simultaneously making the participants feel worse. Romantic thoughts did not affect the degree of love but also worsened mood. On the other hand, shifting focus to something else unrelated to the relationship improved emotional state without altering the relationship with the ex-partner.

According to psychologist Kim Mertz from the University of Alberta, some things that can help distract are reading, sports, watching favorite movies or TV shows, cooking delicious food, booking a massage, or buying something new. Additionally, communicating with friends and engaging in various activities like going on hikes or trying new things can also be helpful. Being involved in social activities enhances the quality of life and emotional state. Research indicates that people who rarely meet with friends are more often dissatisfied with life.

It is not advisable to go on bar crawls or immerse oneself in work, though. Instead, taking a break from work or studies is a better idea.

TIP #2 – It’s possible to be friends with your ex, but only if you choose to.

Psychologist Asher Derose suggests taking a break from the ex-partner and spending some time apart after a breakup, even if it’s just for a while. “Attempting to immediately become friends can be painful – friendship between ex-partners is possible, but only after both have experienced the breakup and are ready to move on,” he recommends. This friendship should be based solely on the principles of equality, and one should only agree to it if they are confident that it will not harm their psychological well-being.

If you observe that your ex-partner is starting to manipulate you, constantly demanding you to do something for them or assist them with something without paying attention to your needs and interests, then end the relationship with them as soon as possible. The reason behind this is that ex-partners often suggest remaining friends for their selfish reasons. Through a survey, Professor of Psychology at the University of Kansas, Rebecca Griffith, discovered that people often try to maintain friendships with their exes for the following reasons:

• To feel secure, as in “I don’t want to lose your support.”
• Out of a sense of politeness, as in “I want to make amends for the pain.”
• For practical reasons, such as “We work together, so let’s avoid drama.”
• Due to unrealized sexual desires, like “I want to date others, but keep you around just in case.”

According to Griffith, the friendship established for the sake of security leads to the least harm to the partner being coerced into it, while the friendship based on unrealized desires often has negative effects on emotional well-being and can prevent both partners from building full-fledged relationships with others.

A unique situation arises for couples with children who decide to break up. In such cases, it is crucial to maintain healthy relationships with each other to reduce the stress on the children. However, psychologists suggest that remaining friends is not necessary in this case. It is sufficient if both partners communicate respectfully and kindly with each other, refrain from mutual accusations, avoid causing scenes in front of the children, and constructively solve problems that arise while raising them. If difficulties arise, seeking guidance from a family psychologist may be helpful.

Tip #3 – Analyze past relationships

Analyzing and processing past experiences is a useful step before starting a new phase in life. Reflecting on how recent romantic relationships have affected you, how you began and ended them, what you liked about them, and what you wouldn’t want to return to in the future can help you better understand yourself. This understanding can help you figure out how you would like to interact with your next romantic partner and what you expect from them.

To help clients deal with breakups, Renew Breakup Bootcamp founder Amy Chan asks them to write the story of their breakup as if they were telling it to a friend. Then, they evaluate the story together and identify cognitive distortions. For example, they identify black-and-white thinking, which is the tendency to perceive everything that happens in life as extremely negative or extremely positive without distinguishing shades of gray. They also look for overgeneralization, which is the habit of making global conclusions based on single, random facts.

You can also independently search for your own cognitive distortions:

To complete this task, grab a sheet of paper and describe your relationships in as much detail as possible, including all the ups and downs. Don’t rush and move at a comfortable pace for you. It’s okay if this work takes you several days or weeks.

Once you have finished writing, read what you’ve written, pausing at difficult moments and conflicts. Try to find the reasons for your behavior in them by asking yourself questions like: Why did I act this way or that way? What made me think like that, and why was I so convinced I was right? Then analyze whether you could have acted differently and what was needed for that.

Remember an important rule during the process: try to remain objective and avoid self-deprecation. You can admit that in your relationships you tried to control the other person or misunderstood them due to your own internal problems. However, refrain from calling yourself a failure, monster, or an incapable and selfish person.

Once you have analyzed your behavior, try rewriting your relationship story again, taking into account what you’ve learned. Amy Chan believes that this exercise will help you understand what went wrong and how to avoid it in the future.

TIP #4 – Forgive and say goodbye

Psychotherapist Ilse Sand suggests in her book “I Miss You,” dedicated to breakups, that saying goodbye to your partner in a thoughtful way can help you move on from the breakup, just like beautiful funerals can alleviate sadness.

Sand offers the following advice on forgiving and saying goodbye:

• Find a reason to be thankful and express your gratitude to your partner. They may also thank you in return for something good.
• If you don’t have the strength to meet in person, write a farewell letter or create your own ritual to signify the end of the relationship.
• Try to forgive your partner, even if you still feel angry. According to Sand, memories of your partner can trigger unpleasant feelings without forgiveness, even if you don’t see each other anymore.
• Don’t force an apology from your partner if they are not ready to give one. Some people struggle to admit their guilt and ask for forgiveness, and it’s worth accepting this fact.
• If you are asking for forgiveness, find out if you can make amends or help your partner remember something good from your relationship.
• To find the strength to forgive, you can imagine your partner as a child and show empathy towards them. However, Sand warns that this method is only appropriate in relatively normal relationships. If your partner has been abusive or behaved inappropriately, it’s important to protect yourself and cease all communication.

TIP #5 – Don’t start new relationships right away

Psychologists have coined the term “rebound relationships” to refer to new relationships created solely to forget old ones. These relationships are often short-lived and serve as a way to avoid dealing with the pain of a breakup.

According to American psychologists, both men and women who have experienced infidelity are more likely to enter into rebound relationships as a means of boosting their self-esteem with a new romantic partner. However, these relationships usually don’t lead to anything positive and tend to end quickly.

A better approach to healing after a breakup is to schedule “dates with yourself” where you engage in enjoyable activities such as visiting a beautiful location, attending a concert, or cooking a delicious meal. These experiences can help you regain your footing and realize that romantic relationships are not necessary for happiness. In her book “Getting Past Your Breakup,” psychologist Susan Elliott notes that when you prioritize developing a relationship with yourself, you attract individuals who are also self-sufficient and can enhance your life.

Before diving back into the dating scene, there are some important factors to consider:

• Self-sufficiency enables you to avoid rushing into the first match as if it’s your last chance and to live alone while still being happy.
• Do you find yourself drawn by inertia towards people with whom you have had no success? What type of partners attract you?
• Being a relaxed and interested conversationalist is important when enjoying communication with a person, regardless of whether you can build a relationship with them or not. Many perceive dates as a boring routine or an exam.
• It’s worth being prepared for rude behavior and criticism of your appearance, as not all dates and conversations are pleasant. Can you handle failure calmly?
• Do you frequently think about your ex-partner? Can you be open and sincere with a new person without comparing them to your past experience?