5 Tips for Expressing Words of Love

Pick an appropriate moment and have the courage to be genuine.

Although romantic love is not a requirement for happiness, it undoubtedly enhances life and adds excitement. However, to truly enjoy it, one must be capable of articulating their emotions. This is not effortless for everyone and may not always produce desirable results. The following guidelines can help improve this.

Why is it so difficult to confess love?

One of the reasons is the non-linear structure of modern romantic relationships. A few decades ago, they were relatively simple. People went on a few dates, realized they were attracted to each other, and decided not to see anyone else. They fell in love completely and confessed their feelings. After some time, they officially formalized their relationship and became a family, striving to live together for a long time and happily. However, this relationship model does not suit everyone. Since the 1970s, the number of divorces has been increasing in Western countries, while the number of marriages has been decreasing. People’s ideas began to transform. A family consisting of two married adults and their children ceased to be the only possible form of relationships, and a marital union became something that needed to be preserved at all costs.

These transformations allow many to build a life according to their own needs, rather than strict societal requirements. But there is a downside to this process: modern romantic relationships are often full of instability and lack of communication.

People date, but often do not understand their partner’s intentions and plans. Is it just casual flirting? Marriage? Casual dating? Uncertainty makes people feel vulnerable. To maintain maximum independence and reduce the risk of rejection, many prefer not to talk about love.

Moreover, by not confessing our feelings, we unconsciously make our partner nervous – and thus gain power over them. Striving for acknowledgment, the partner becomes more controllable and willing to compromise on important issues for us.

Psychologists note that in modern couples, there is often a struggle to be the first to get the other person to say “I love you” – and thereby gain a more advantageous position.

Sociologists call this type of relationship emotional capitalism. People living by its laws are afraid to be sincere. From their point of view, their partner should bring new interesting experiences into their life – if they stop doing this, they leave them. They expect the same kind of relationship for themselves and thus deprive themselves of the chance for truly close and deep relationships.

Why words of love are necessary

It’s all about the meaning we attach to the words “I love you.” With these three words, we tell another person that they are important to us, that we want to be with them, and that we accept them for who they are. And we also say that we are truly present with them. As psychologist Lisa Arango explains, this is called emotional presence, and it is a crucial condition for stable and sincere relationships.

In the first months, words of love are necessary to establish and indicate this special relationship with our beloved, and also to encourage them to confess their feelings. In the following months and years, they help to maintain the relationship. “They are like oxygen for relationships,” says Arango. “When we tell someone that we love them, we strengthen our bond with them. We help the relationship to develop and sustain it.”

Here are five tips on how to learn to express love.

Tip #1 – Understand what you feel

People who struggle to understand their feelings should observe themselves for at least a week. Despite the fact that people tend to experience romantic love differently, there are several typical signs of this feeling:

• You constantly think about the other person. You plan a new meeting with them and prepare for it. You want to talk about and ask how the day went.
• You want to spend as much time together as possible. And you may not care at all what you’ll be doing during that time.
• Upon learning that someone important to you has problems, you have a strong desire to help and come up with ways to do so.
• You feel safe and trust the person. Some even experience physical relaxation around the person they love. Scientists explain that this is because falling in love increases dopamine levels in the body. This stabilizes the internal state and calms the nervous system.
• Your mood is better than usual. You are energetic, curious, and open to new experiences. Especially when the important person is nearby. Apparently, this is the result of the action of the same endorphins, as well as norepinephrine, which is produced in increased quantities in the first months of falling in love.
• You feel jealous.
• You want to have sex.

In addition, infatuation in the first few months may be accompanied by insomnia and loss of appetite, which is also a consequence of the increased production of hormones and neurotransmitters that temporarily disrupt the balance in the body.

Tip #2 – Don’t rush.

People usually confess their love on average 3-5 months after the start of the relationship.

Men, however, say “I love you” earlier, at around the 97th day of the relationship, while women typically wait until the 138th day. The authors of a review of six studies on this topic, published in 2011, explain the difference in timing by the fact that women tend to observe the dynamics of their feelings rather than act under the influence of the first, usually most intense emotions that quickly fade.

In general, psychologists consider the most reasonable strategy to not confess love in the first seconds after meeting, but to wait a little until feelings stabilize. The best time for this is when passion gives way to attachment. Usually, it is at the attachment stage that people begin to truly love each other and become ready for long-term relationships.

This is attachment if you:

• Know not only the strengths of your partner, but also their weaknesses, and accept both, even those that annoy you a little.
• Want to know as much as possible about your partner, including their past relationships, childhood, likes and dislikes, goals, and dreams.
• Want to support your partner and do not want them to change for you.
• Still want to spend as much time together as possible but understand that you are free and independent individuals with your own interests. Therefore, you respect each other’s desire to spend time separately with friends or family.
• Want to introduce your partner to all your close friends and family and meet theirs.
• When you are together, you not only have fun but also do mundane household tasks like cleaning, grocery shopping, and cooking.
• Feel safe.
• Start thinking about a future together, but maybe not saying it out loud yet.

Tip #3 – Overcome your fear

If it’s time to confess your feelings but you’re still afraid, there are many psychological ways to fix this. Here are a couple of them.

Rationalize your fear. Ask yourself: what exactly am I afraid of? Is it that I’ll confess and be rejected? Or maybe the obligations I’ll take on by revealing my feelings? Listen to yourself – and formulate the answer.

Then ask yourself another question: what will happen if I don’t confess? Is it possible that I’ll most likely miss the chance to be with someone dear to me? Think about what’s scarier for you: giving up on the relationship altogether or taking the risk and confessing?

Don’t rush your answer, give yourself time to think.

Look fear in the face. In most cases, the experience of fear, the thoughts and fantasies it evokes, are more painful than the actual confrontation with what scares you. Therefore, sometimes it’s easier to just do what you’re afraid of.

To make it a little easier for you, try to prepare yourself. Rehearse your confession a few times. For example, say out loud, “You know, I love you very much.” Then schedule a meeting. And try to control your breathing during the most critical moment – make sure it doesn’t speed up and stays slow and steady – this will calm your nervous system a little.

Even if things don’t go as well as you would like, you will feel some relief simply from not having to keep your feelings to yourself.

Tip #4 – Find the right words

Confessing your love doesn’t necessarily have to be verbose. Often, a simple “I love you” is enough to bring happiness to both you and your partner.

If you want to say something special, you’ll have to make an effort. Try to remember what you like about your partner, what impresses and amuses you. And list all of these qualities in your confession. This way, you will let them know how well you know them. Therefore, your feelings have already settled, and you are confident in them – and your partner doesn’t have to be afraid that everything will change at any moment.

But don’t expect that, after confessing your love, you will immediately hear “I love you too” in response. People develop feelings at different speeds. Perhaps, after some time, you will be loved too. Or maybe not.

Tip #4 – Find the right words

Confessing your love doesn’t necessarily have to be wordy. Often a simple ‘I love you’ is enough to bring happiness to both you and your partner. If you want to say something special, you’ll have to try. Try to remember what you like about your partner, what amazes you, and what makes you laugh. And list all these qualities in your confession. This way, you will let them know how well you know them. That means your feelings have already settled, you’re confident in them, and your partner doesn’t have to worry that everything will change at any moment. But don’t expect to hear ‘I love you too’ in response right away. People’s feelings develop at different speeds. Perhaps, after some time, they will also love you. Or maybe not. In any case, the fact that you have overcome your fears and were able to confess your feelings is a huge step in self-improvement. Just accept your feelings, learn to live with them, and try to be grateful for them. And remind yourself more often: loving someone is no less important for a person than being loved. For those who have been in relationships for a long time, it’s also important to express love regularly: give compliments, be grateful, and show support. If nothing comes to mind, here are a few universal phrases:

• ‘I enjoy spending time with you’
• ‘I feel so happy being with you’
• ‘You’re the most important and closest person to me’

Tip #5 – Express love not only in words

There are many non-verbal ways to demonstrate your feelings. They can be a salvation for those who do not like or are shy to talk about their love.

Here’s what psychologists recommend:

1. If possible, help your loved one deal with difficult tasks. For example, take on part of their work if they are overloaded.
2. Hug and kiss each other tightly more often.
3. Occasionally give each other small but important gifts for no reason. For example, tickets to a concert of your partner’s favorite band.
4. Regularly and enjoyably spend time together doing what you both love. Walk, cook, watch TV shows together, or plan a vacation.
5. Take care of your partner when they are sick.
6. Offer your help if your partner’s relatives or close friends are in a difficult situation.
7. Take your partner’s hand for a few seconds unnoticed by others from time to time. And in general, don’t miss the opportunity to touch them.
8. Listen to your partner when they talk to you. And try to remember what they tell you about their day, childhood, or dreams.

However, at the same time, pay attention to your partner’s reaction. As family psychologist Samantha Kingma notes, there is a fine line between displays of love and care and constantly solving the problems of a person who does not want to take responsibility for their life.

If you feel that you are constantly being asked to prove your love through actions, if you do not derive any pleasure from it or feel that your efforts are not appreciated, it may be worth reevaluating your relationship.