You are overreacting: what is gaslighting?

There are people whose communication leaves a bad aftertaste.

Somehow they make others feel foolish and worthless, doubt themselves, their adequacy, and their feelings. This is the result of gaslighting. We talk about what it is in the new episode of the psychology guide.

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is manipulative behavior aimed at making a person doubt the adequacy of their perception of reality. Some specialists consider it a form of emotional abuse. Gaslighting can manifest:

• By undermining feelings. For example, if you are upset by your partner’s behavior and they respond by saying “There’s nothing to worry about” or “I was just joking,” the gaslighter blames the victim for being too sensitive and emotionally unstable during any conflict.
• By distorting facts for one’s benefit. The person may deny what they said or promised to you. If you remember it clearly, they will claim that you have the wrong recollection, misunderstood, or even made it up.
• By blaming others for their own mistakes. The gaslighter can convince the victim that it is because of them that they are behaving inappropriately. For example, the victim is upsetting or angering them.
• By inventing imaginary shortcomings for others and regularly reminding them of these. For example, the gaslighter may constantly talk about how the victim is completely unable to earn money, and so on.
• Spreading rumors and undermining relationships with others. For example, talking behind someone’s back about them being on the brink of a nervous breakdown. And to you, about others allegedly having a negative attitude towards you. Although in reality, both are the fabrications of a gossiper.

Psychologists note that in some cases this kind of behavior can be unconscious. Despite this, it causes significant harm to the victims.

By instilling false beliefs and convictions in them, the gaslighter makes the victim doubt their memories, feelings, thoughts, judgments, ability to perceive reality and make decisions.

The term got its name from the 1938 play “Gas Light”. It realistically describes this type of psychological abuse. The plot revolves around a family that moves into the house of a deceased aunt. One day, the husband accidentally learns that valuable jewelry is hidden somewhere in the house and starts looking for it. To prevent his disliked wife from interfering, he convinces her that she is crazy. For example, when she notices that the gas lights in the house start flickering in the evening, the husband convinces her that it’s just her imagination. As a result, the woman begins to doubt her mental health.

Before the 2000s, the term “gaslighting” was rarely used. It was popularized by psychoanalyst and director of the Institute for the Study of Emotional Intelligence, Robin Stern. In 2007, she released the book “The Gaslight Effect,” which detailed the mechanism of gaslighting and its impact on people who have been subjected to it.

Stern asserts that almost every person at some point in their life has encountered gaslighting in some form, most often in romantic relationships. However, this form of violence can also be used by colleagues, close relatives, friends, and parents. And even, it is believed, by medical workers. For example, if a doctor openly minimizes a patient’s symptoms, attributing them to excessive paranoia or emotional instability.

Victims of gaslighting often exhibit thoughts and phrases such as:

• “I’m acting like a crazy person”;
• “I just overreact to everything”;
• “It feels like something bad is happening to me but I don’t understand what it is”;
• “I don’t understand what I’m feeling anymore”;
• “I’m the reason things are going wrong”;
• “I’m constantly perceiving things incorrectly”;
• “I disappoint everyone around me because I’m too silly and lack self-confidence.”

Why do people resort to gaslighting

Due to insecurity in themselves and their opinions. Robin Stern considers this the main reason. Insecure people often desperately need external validation of their rightness. This allows them to strengthen their sense of self-importance, reduce inner anxiety. For this, they use all available methods to get those around them to recognize their point of view, agree with their version of events, and submit to them.

Because of the desire for power and control. Gaslighters strive to bind their victim to themselves and make them act in their own interest. Not to notice their gaslighter’s miscalculations, to hide their mistakes from others, to take on more responsibilities at home or work. And not to complain to anyone.

Due to mental disorders. Some experts believe that the tendency to gaslight and manipulate can be a symptom of personality disorder, narcissistic disorder and psychopathy. In this case, gaslighters often behave differently with their victim and with others. As a result, the victim often does not decide to seek help: they think that other people simply do not believe them.

Due to difficulties in relationships. If one partner cheats physically or financially – for example, spends large sums of money on themselves and tries to hide it – they may resort to gaslighting to deflect suspicion from the other partner. And so protect themselves from unpleasant discovery of relationships and try to somehow preserve them.

Due to the peculiarities of human psychology. It is psychologically important for people to trust others, to feel their approval. Especially if these are our parents, loved ones or very close friends. We usually feel safe with them and then become less critical of what they say. This is how gaslighters often use it.

What are the risks

Gaslighting negatively affects emotional well-being. Victims often feel frustration, self-doubt, dissatisfaction with themselves, irritation, and offense. But they often don’t fully understand the cause of these feelings. And so they cannot express and protect themselves.

People who are systematically and for a long time subjected to gaslighting, as psychologists note, can have their self-esteem catastrophically lowered. They begin to feel helpless and unable to achieve success. It becomes difficult for them to make decisions. The risks of developing anxiety and depression increase.

Even if abusive relationships are broken, gaslighting victims often continue to experience difficulties: it can be difficult for them to trust others, establish relationships with them, start new relationships. They continue to doubt their adequacy and do not feel a full connection with reality, says psychologist Naomi Torres-Mckee, who studies the phenomenon of gaslighting. Some specialists consider this to be a manifestation of post-traumatic stress disorder.

What can be done?

The main difficulty is that victims of gaslighting often do not understand what is happening to them, and therefore cannot protect themselves.

To understand the situation, psychologists suggest the following sequence of actions.

Step 1. After speaking with the person you suspect of gaslighting, take detailed notes of your conversation. Then, in a calm environment, read and analyze it carefully, trying to detect whether your conversationalist was trying to impose their point of view, if it differs from what you think you know or feel, or if doubts about yourself arise during the process. If yes, this may be a sign of gaslighting.

Step 2. Conduct an external audit. Tell the person you trust about what you suspect someone of gaslighting, trying to describe your relationship with them as accurately as possible. And ask for an honest assessment of the situation: are your suspicions baseless, are your assessments and conclusions adequate. This will help you to look at the situation more objectively and get rid of some of the doubts.

Step 3. Validate your feelings – acknowledge that they are normal and that you have a right to them. This will help you regain confidence in the fact that your reactions are adequate and your perception of the world corresponds to reality. You can start this work by monitoring your emotions and the patterns of behavior associated with them. Robin Stern recommends using the Mood Meter app for this.

Step 3. Keep a record of your conversation with the gaslighter. If they try to twist facts to their advantage or deny something they promised you in the past, you will have proof of their wrongdoing.

If you are a victim of gaslighting by a colleague and boss, this method can also be useful. By gathering enough evidence, you can approach the HR department and ask for their help.

Step 4. Learn to set boundaries. If you feel that the gaslighter is trying to manipulate you, try not to get involved in a argument with them. It will lead to nothing: the goal of a gaslighter is not to find the truth, but to convince you of their viewpoint. Simply tell your conversation partner that your opinions do not match and suggest ending the conversation.

If the gaslighter starts heating up in response, explain to them that you are not willing to communicate in such a tone. And try to get away from them as calmly as possible: for example, into another room. This will not only establish psychological, but also physical boundaries, thus giving the gaslighter an understanding that they can no longer manipulate you.

If gaslighting from a close person has gone too far—for example, the person regularly lies to you and makes you doubt your own adequacy—psychologists, including Robin Stern, recommend ending the relationship.

An effective tool for preparation for a breakup is visualization. Start imagining your life outside of the tormenting relationship in the smallest details. Try to maintain a positive mood while doing so, even if thoughts of a breakup cause you a lot of anxiety. For example, think about how nice it will be to regain confidence in yourself, stop doubting your worldview, free your life from lies and imposed delusions.