Understanding the Fear of Rejection: Exploring the Anxiety Behind the Dreaded ‘No

It is impossible to please everyone entirely.

From time to time, everyone has unsuccessful dates, interviews, and sharp rejections. Some people are frightened by the very possibility of such situations. As a result, they refuse to build relationships or switch from uninteresting work to a new one. We talk about the fear of rejection in the new issue of the mental health guide.

What is fear of rejection?

The fear of rejection is an irrational belief by a person that no one will accept them for who they are. Because of this fear, they place more value on the opinions of others rather than their own, are afraid to say the wrong thing, seek approval, become jealous, and reject others out of fear of being rejected themselves.

Psychologists adopted the term “rejection” in the 1930s. At first, it described the feeling of helplessness in a child who is not accepted and supported by their parents. Eventually, psychologists began to use the term more broadly to describe the fear of a person not being accepted by specific individuals or society as a whole.

During experiments, researchers discovered that the pain of rejection is felt more intensely than the joy of acceptance, even if the rejection was not particularly harsh. Negative communication experiences evoke feelings of hurt in nearly everyone, but some are particularly affected: it lowers their self-esteem, makes them feel useless and incompetent.

Psychologist Mark Leer and his colleagues investigated the topic of social anxiety and concluded that some people are prone to experiencing worry well before they begin to be rejected. According to the theory of sociometry, a person’s self-esteem depends on how much they are accepted or rejected by others. If they face rejection and this deeply affects them, then they will live with a sense of their own worthlessness.

With this experience, there may also be a sensitivity to rejection. People with high sensitivity are constantly in anxious anticipation of refusal and react sharply to it. They may see signs of negative attitude in ambiguous behavior of another. For example, if a partner came home tired from work and does not show exuberant joy from the meeting, a sensitive person may decide that there are problems in the relationship. They also begin to fear that they will be fired as soon as they receive a letter from the boss inviting them to a personal meeting.

Fear of rejection manifests itself in such phrases and thoughts:

• “I won’t show my drawings to my friends, they will definitely laugh at me.”
• “If I speak at the conference, everyone will find out how incompetent I am.”
• “The boss is not in a good mood today – I think he’s going to fire me.”
• “The girl will still leave me, I need to search for someone else on Tinder.”
• “I don’t like my job, but will anyone else hire me?”
• “I disagree with what they say, but it’s better to join the majority.”
• “I’m afraid to call unknown people, they might send me away.”
• “I met a former colleague at a party, but I never dared to talk to her.”
• “My husband has become so withdrawn. He definitely has someone else.”

What is the cause of the fear of rejection?

Due to ancient instincts. The desire to be a part of society helped people survive. In a world full of dangers, the chances of survival for a rejected loner were minimal. Our subconscious can still link rejection to mortal danger. Hence these fatal associations: “if they don’t like me, I’ll die of shame,” “I’m scared to death to go to an interview.” But in the modern world, rejection or lack of support from society is unlikely to lead to such consequences.

Due to childhood traumas. Early experiences of indifference and harsh treatment can lead to a person becoming sensitive to rejection in adulthood. This can result from emotional distance from parents, constant criticism from them, as well as childhood experiences of bullying or being ignored by peers. The desire to avoid conflicts and please others in order to not be rejected is one of the reactions that is typical for post-traumatic disorder.

Due to psychological peculiarities. In experiments, people with high sensitivity to rejection also demonstrated problems with concentration. Due to the peculiarities of their character, it was difficult for them to focus on tasks and distribute attention when they felt social threats. Such people find it particularly hard to speak in public or simply do their work when someone is watching. This creates a desire to avoid such situations.

What are the negative consequences of having a fear of rejection?

Fear of rejection has a negative impact on various areas of life. In particular, it makes people feel insecure in job interviews and unable to prove to recruiters that they possess the necessary skills for the position. It can also make it difficult to discuss work conditions and salary negotiations. A phone call to an unfamiliar company becomes a real torment due to fears that the unknown interlocutor will be rude or unwilling to talk.

For people who experience fear of rejection, it is difficult to make friends and form relationships. They are afraid to make the wrong impression, look foolish, say something wrong, and often decide to stay at home instead of going to a party or a date. And if they happen to be in the company of strangers, they experience strong anxiety and cannot put together a few words. As a result, the fear of being unaccepted becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: more self-confident people receive more attention, build careers faster, which affects their income.

In family life, fear of rejection manifests itself in the form of jealousy. A person who is constantly afraid of separation may begin to control the movements of their partner, create scandals about meetings with friends, appearance, online communication, and work contacts. On the other hand, the fear of separation sometimes prevents breaking off abusive relationships. It makes one attempt to “fix” an unsuccessful marriage and feel guilty for shared failures.

Fear forces people to avoid direct and clear communication. They are afraid to hear bad news, so they don’t ask if there are really any problems in their relationships. And all of this only worsens the situation, forcing them into a mental trap called “mind reading.” Trying to predict others’ reactions, one can create difficulties where there are none.

In extreme cases, the desire to avoid negative reactions from society leads to dysphoria and a sensitivity to rejection. This is a variation of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder in which individuals either refuse any new contacts, demonstrating signs of avoidant behavior, or try so hard to meet other people’s expectations that they lose sight of their own goals.

How can one deal with the fear of rejection?

The fear of rejection can be overcome by changing one’s attitude towards negative experiences in communication with people and learning to extract benefit even from unsuccessful attempts. For this purpose, the following techniques can be used.

Take rejection as an opportunity. Every unsuccessful attempt opens up a new opportunity for you that you may not have thought about before. Whether it was a rejection on an interview or a breakup with a partner, it’s worth telling yourself, “I wasn’t rejected, I was redirected to something greater.”

In psychology, there is a term called “growth mindset”: this mindset allows you to look at failures from a different perspective. Even if you are bad at something, you can still develop skills or necessary qualities to some extent.

Treat yourself as a friend. Instead of blaming yourself for things not going according to plan again, cheer yourself up and praise your resilience and will to win. Replace your usual self-criticism with more compassionate self-care. Acknowledge your situation and don’t turn a blind eye to the difficulties you have encountered.

Don’t let rejection define who you are. Faced with failure, it is important to separate yourself from what happened. After being rejected in an interview, one should not immediately label themselves as unsuccessful or consider their skills unnecessary in the job market. Let your self-esteem be determined by you, not the circumstances. And remember about the growth mindset.

Look fear in the face. Entrepreneur Jia Jiang, after receiving yet another rejection from an investor, decided to embark on a challenge of getting as many rejections as possible within 100 days. To achieve this, he asked strangers for money, treated them to coffee or asked for rides to the other end of town. This was an experience that changed him.