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During the pandemic, it became particularly apparent that even with our closest loved ones, our views can fundamentally differ. For example, regarding the danger of COVID-19 and the need to get vaccinated. What should we do? We asked practicing family therapist and member of the board of the Society of Family Counselors and Psychotherapists, Grazhina Budinaite, to give recommendations on how to avoid conflicts with loved ones.
Don’t expect that New Year’s with loved ones will be perfect (but that doesn’t mean it will be boring)
Surprisingly, when planning New Year’s celebrations with loved ones, the simplicity and enjoyment of it all may not be the most important thing. Think, what is it truly for? To be able to delight your family? To throw a big celebration for the children? To transform your usual routine into something festive? To finally see relatives you haven’t seen in a long time?
What are the intentions and desires of loved ones: what is important to them in celebrating together, why do they want to spend New Year’s Eve with you? Understanding why this is important to all of you will likely help you sort out any conflicting feelings or doubts you may have.
It is important to understand that events such as New Year’s celebration are primarily rituals. Its essence is to convey to each other: “we are a family”, “we are relatives”, “we show attention and care to each other”, “we are willing to spend time and effort to spend this holiday together and hopefully make it enjoyable.”
In any case, one should not expect the celebration to be perfect: if you are planning to celebrate the New Year not alone, then there will be other people around you – with their imperfections, their own ideas of beauty, and different habits. But if these people have decided to gather together for some reason, which also required efforts from everyone, then there is still a chance to have a good time.
But if it is obvious that in order to celebrate together, you will have to sacrifice too much, that there will be difficult conversations and, probably, conflicts to avoid, then perhaps it is worth refusing such a way to spend New Year’s Eve. In any case, this time.
Yes, the satisfaction from the New Year holidays can be incomplete if you avoid your relatives and loved ones or only focus on yourself. However, a conflict-filled gathering is unlikely to be better. It is important to avoid both imbalances.
Remember that relatives are not necessarily like-minded people, there is something else that connects you to them
With relatives, we are usually bound not by intellectual and value unity, but by shared experiences, family stories, memories, readiness to help, and simply the fact of kinship. We did not choose these people consciously and by our own decision, as we do with romantic partners or friends. Parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, or the parents and relatives of a partner, we received them in a “ready-made” form. It is important to remember this: people usually have expectations of emotional and spiritual kinship with blood relatives, and this increases the likelihood of disappointment and conflicts.
Of course, it’s great when you are friends with your grandfather or mother-in-law, but it’s rather lucky. The most important thing about relatives is their fundamental “singularity” from the rest of the world – this blood relationship. Some of them have shared memories of summers at the dacha, with some you can discuss fishing or football news, and some of them you can rely on when you need help with children or when someone from the common relatives gets sick.
The ability to maintain relationships with loved ones can make you more psychologically resilient in your relationships with others and perhaps even wiser. This is an important experience of patience, friendliness, and understanding that others may differ from you.
Ask yourself why your loved ones don’t think the same way as you
There’s no way to insure yourself against the possibility that a family member may want to discuss a topic on which your views likely do not coincide. The best help in such a situation is a healthy sense of humor, which can help smooth out any sharp edges (but not irony, which can come off as mockery), patience, and the ability to switch gears to something else.
If the topic is important enough to you that keeping quiet or making a joke is not an option, it would be good to understand why the other person’s position differs from yours. Perhaps they have their own unique situation that you are unaware of, or they do not have access to the information that you have, or there is a trauma that has influenced their point of view. The other person may have reasonable grounds for having views that differ from yours. And understanding this does not mean giving up your own position. It is worth reminding yourself that no one can take away your beliefs, even if someone disagrees with them or criticizes them. This will help you get rid of anxiety and not get overheated.
Argue only if you are sure that your views do not differ too much
It happens that at the festive table, people who understand each other well, have the same opinions and are comrades gather. In this case, arguing can be interesting, exciting and fun, and the tension from such a discussion can rather stimulate and become entertainment. In other cases, it is worth showing sympathy towards those present, shifting the conversation from sharp topics to acceptable and accessible ones for all participants and, if possible, making jokes.
Excessive tension in communication is relieved by distancing oneself – you can switch to something else, simply go to another room or go outside, wash your face or talk to a relative who clearly lacks attention. In the end, you can always check messages on your phone and send congratulations to someone. It is important not to get involved in a conflict – if you still find yourself in a field of tension, it will be much harder for you to get out of it.
If an argument arises between someone close, try to create a new center of interest for those present by taking a pause, remembering the good things that happened in the outgoing year, talking about your plans or changing the music.
When things take a serious turn and the disputants are already ready to attack each other, try to separate them to different places or rooms. In the worst case, someone will have to leave, and that’s also okay.
Don’t worry too much about the “harmful” influence on your children
Parents often fear the influence of “reactionary ideas,” “obscurantism,” or, conversely, excessively progressive views on their child, and therefore react strongly if the conversation goes in a dangerous direction, in their opinion. It is worth remembering that if the child has not reached adolescence, then parents are their main authority. It is their position, habits, and lifestyle that will be decisive for children, so it is not worth underestimating their own influence and overstating the influence of others.
As your child grows up, you realize that it is impossible to control all the ideas they will encounter. It is a natural part of growing up. But it is important to remember that children are still involved in your lifestyle – including your behavior at the festive table. This is their upbringing. And if you really need to refute something, you can do it after the holiday.
Share your news thoughtfully
If you have news you want to share, it’s better to assess beforehand how those present may relate to it: any information is placed in a specific context of your interaction with each of them, and life contexts may not align. As a result, reactions may not be the most pleasant.
As a rule, if you talk about a joyful event that is important to you and you sincerely want to share it with those present, they will feel it. The main thing is not to use your news – consciously or not – to influence someone in your family or everyone at once: to try to “rub it in someone’s face”, make them jealous or “present them with the facts”.
It is also not worth touching upon an obviously emotionally charged or tense topic, a philosophical idea, even if it is directly related to your news – it is better to simply announce specific plans, events, and actions.
Agree with a partner on support
If you are going to a party with someone – a partner, a close friend – make arrangements in advance to help each other if there are any communication difficulties. We often need support in a large, unfamiliar company. The opportunity to hug or hold hands in an awkward moment, exchange a couple of phrases with someone with whom you definitely have a good understanding, can be very useful. This is especially important for those who find themselves among someone else’s close friends.
The one who brings someone into their circle can help the “newcomer” with a little more attention. However, it is not worth going to extremes – squeezing each other all evening without noticing the surrounding people: the opportunity to communicate with other people is usually less frequent than with a partner or someone you are particularly close to. Awkwardness and unpleasant moments in communicating with other people can always happen, and that’s normal.
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