Sex vs. stress

Sensuality: How it Can Make You Feel Better

“Writing poetry after Auschwitz is barbaric,” declared the German philosopher Theodor Adorno in 1949. Mark Strand, an American Jewish poet, objected later, “But we still eat lunch after Auschwitz.”

Adorno’s thought seems to be filled with pain, and Strand’s objection is blasphemous. However, they are just different ways to survive. Different people react to grief differently. Some are silent, while others scream and cry. There is someone losing their appetite. Someone eats pain. Some find that they suddenly desire sex.

The same thing happened to existential psychotherapist Irvin Yalom after the death of his wife. Images of sex with other women became his obsession. He felt that he was betraying his love for his wife. In search of an explanation, he found one. His loss was so great that he was numb and unable to feel. His sexual fantasies brought him back to life. Having sexual experiences can reduce the impact of traumatic events on the psyche. To help yourself and the one you love, here is what you need to know.

How sex changes under stress

Stress increases libido if it lasts for a short time. Watching a scary movie or crossing a very high bridge will make sex seem more addictive. Our behavior is similar to that of monkeys, hyenas, and other vertebrates, according to Yevgenia Timonova, host of “Everything is like in animals.” The brain has difficulty distinguishing between fear and sexual arousal.

It is a bit trickier to deal with chronic stress. When levels of the stress hormone cortisol are elevated for a long time, sex hormone production is disrupted. Therefore, libido should decrease. However, it is not the case for everyone. When you are sufficiently resistant to stress, then long-term difficult experiences, especially those that are connected to death, can ignite an interest in sex. Consequently, if you wish, there is still the chance to find partners for a good orgy even before the end of the world, write journalists Daria Varlamova and Elena Foer in their book “Sex.” From neurobiology of libido and virtual porn”.

How sex helps you cope with grief

• Neuromediators. Sexual activity – with a partner or with yourself – increases levels of oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin. This neuromediators have uplifting effects. In addition, when people sex, they produce natural opiates – endorphins. Since emotional pain is like physical pain to our brains, this painkiller can also relieve it.
• Attachment. Love is our most basic need. Children are satisfied with their parents during childhood. When we grow up, our lovers become safe havens for us. When we feel bad, they give us a sense of security and comfort.
• The body. A psychological trauma disrupts a person’s connection with their own body. The ability to recognize bodily expressions of our feelings, including pain, decreases. Masturbation and sexual relations bring the body back into balance. Be mindful of the sensations in the process so that it becomes a body awareness exercise.
• Isolation. Psychological trauma can lead to loneliness. Particularly if it involves violence. Inability to trust others and relax in their presence is one of the worst consequences of trauma. For healing to take place, proximity is crucial. Sex with your loved one is the best option.

How to make it easier right now

With yourself alone. Start with a soft body experience – yoga, dancing, self-massage. Consider conscious masturbation (yes, there is such a thing).

You and your loved one. If your partner is also stressed, their reactions may differ from yours. Start with a conversation: express what you would like, and ask your partner about his desires. To help you get started, here is a guide. If either of you is not ready for sex, find a tactile substitute. Hugs, kisses, and touches are also soothing. Sometimes, holding hands is enough.