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Sometimes confusion arises between what the interlocutor is communicating literally and what they mean.
For example, a partner says they are not offended by you but says it while frowning and then stares at their phone. This is a double bind. We will explain how it works and the dangers it poses in the new issue of the psychology guide.
Intro
A double bind is a type of psychological manipulation in which a person receives conflicting instructions or signals. The attempt to resolve the contradiction and clarify what the interlocutor means leads to conflict or punishment.
Double bind can be manifested differently:
Contradiction can already be contained in the phrase itself.
- For example, you are going to leave work on time and hear from your boss: “Of course, I’m not keeping you, we can’t violate the labor code. But don’t forget that tomorrow morning the report must be on my desk.” That is, in one statement, there is both permission and prohibition.
- Sometimes the double message arises at different levels of communication: in words the interlocutor expresses one thing, and in intonation and body language – completely different. As if the boss let you go home without any reservations, but at the same time heavily sighed and demonstratively turned away from the monitor.
- It happens that the contradiction is hidden even deeper, and the words of the interlocutor are at odds with his behavior. For example, the boss talks about the importance of rest and the danger of burnout, but for several years has refused to hire another employee so that you don’t work overtime.
The concept of double bind was first described by British anthropologist and linguist Gregory Bateson. In the 1950s, he and his colleagues studied the problems of logical distortions that arise during communication.
He noted that communication is influenced not only by the literal meanings of phrases, but also, for example, humor, metaphors, and rituals that create context. Usually, conversationalists can understand each other, but sometimes the context does not match the literal meanings of the words, that is, a double bind arises.
The study of the phenomenon was continued by Bateson’s co-author, psychotherapist and psychologist Paul Watzlawick. He described a case of a double bind that he himself observed. A mother visits her son in a psychiatric hospital, and when he tries to hug her, she doesn’t reach out in response, but clings.
The son notices, removes his hands, and backs away, but the mother asks, “Don’t you love me anymore?” Seeing his discomfort, the woman says that he shouldn’t be ashamed of his feelings. The mother’s body language contradicts her words, making her son not understand how to act. Watzlawick writes that after this encounter, the young man’s condition worsened.
Double bind are sometimes created by multiple people. For example, one of the parents behaves in a way that contradicts the actions or words of the other.
A whole group of people can fall into the trap of double bind. There are studies dedicated to how women in leadership positions suffer from double bind. Colleagues expect both tough qualities—competitiveness and determination—and soft ones—flexibility and involvement—from them simultaneously. As a result, this leads to burnout for female leaders.
“Double bind can be recognized by phrases and actions such as:
- “I’m not mad at you,” if it’s said with a cold tone;
- “We’re a very people-oriented company,” although there are uncomfortable chairs and old computers in the offices;
- “Yes, you’re doing everything right, keep it up,” if the speaker’s annoyance is clearly felt;
- “I’m so glad to see you, let’s hug!,” but the person moves away;
- “I want us to stop communicating. Don’t call or write to me anymore,” but the person continues to initiate communication;
- “Don’t even think about smoking! It’s very harmful,” when parents who smoke themselves say it to a child.”
Why does it arise
Due to inequalities in relationships. Double bind can be transmitted, for example, by a parent to a child, a boss to an employee, or one partner to another. The existing inequality between them hinders clarification of what is meant.
If you can simply ask a friend with whom communication takes place on equal terms: “What exactly did you want to say? Do I understand you correctly?”, It is not possible to inquire from a strict parent or an authoritarian partner, as this can lead to a argument, punishment, and other unpleasant consequences.
Due to the desire to manipulate. Double messages are often used to bind others to oneself. They often evoke a specific sense of guilt in the recipient. He feels that he has done something wrong with respect to the author of the message. But at the same time, he does not fully understand what specifically. And in order to avoid this mistake in the future, he becomes much more attentive to the sender – literally follows every word.
Research shows that people with narcissistic disorders, politicians, and opinion leaders are prone to such manipulations.
Due to the inability to express true emotions. The sender of the double message does not always do this consciously and with malicious intent. Sometimes it is due to internal conflict: the person cannot express their emotions.
Beitson and his colleagues gave an example: a mother doesn’t love her child and experiences anxiety around them, but tries to show socially acceptable behavior. A person with an unwanted attachment can act the same way. They will try to suppress it, but the feelings will still be expressed, even on a non-verbal level.
Consequences
Gregory Bateson believed that in some cases, double-bind messages can even be useful – it helps develop unconventional thinking. In the book “Ecology of Mind,” he writes that many Buddhist koans are built on the principle of double-bind messages – short stories or puzzles intended to lead the student to an understanding of the teachings.
Bateson gives the example of a Zen master training a student, placing a stick over his head and warning: “If you say that this stick is real, I’ll hit you. If you say it’s not real, I’ll hit you. If you don’t say anything, I’ll still hit you.” To resolve the contradiction and avoid punishment, the student must act unconventionally – grab the stick from the teacher.
However, Bateson and other researchers acknowledged that double-bind messages can have a negative impact on a person’s state. A double-bind message received once leads to the appearance of anxiety, and if the situation repeats, anxiety becomes chronic.
Moreover, a person who is disoriented by double bind experiences feelings of guilt and vulnerability. On one hand, the recipient seeks the cause of misunderstanding and conflicts within themselves and their behavior, on the other hand, they don’t know how to act to avoid this in the future.
Additionally, children whose parents communicate through double messages often face communication problems. The child’s ability to distinguish literal messages from metaphorical ones is disrupted: they either suspect a hidden meaning behind every phrase or, conversely, ignore nonverbal signals such as tone and gestures.
What to do
If double messages are sent by someone not very close to you and you understand that they will not cause inconvenience and have no negative consequences for your mental health, nothing needs to be done with them.
Active actions should be taken when you feel that a double message situation is getting out of control. For example, when you understand that you constantly feel guilty in communication with someone else but don’t understand what’s the matter. Here’s what can help you overcome double bind.
Ask clarifying questions. Breaking the trap of contradictions can sometimes be done by asking what your interlocutor means exactly.
To avoid conflict, it is advisable to use the principles of non-violent communication – mention the phenomena you have noticed, do not give evaluations, tell about your feelings and express a request. For example, like this: “I noticed that you respond in a monosyllabic way. Yet you say you’re not offended. Your behavior upsets me. It would be great if we could discuss everything honestly.”
Do not act out the sender’s script of double bind. This method is suitable for situations where you are being manipulated without doubt.
Do not rush to respond to double messages from others immediately, whether with words or actions. Take a break in the conversation and think about what actions would align with your interests, not the manipulator’s. If it is your boss, remind them of your rights. For example, if they ask you to stay longer and finish supposedly urgent work, demand that they officially document the overtime so you can be compensated for it.
Seek help. Cognitive-behavioral therapy, CBT, may be suitable for those who often faced double bind in childhood and started looking for hidden motives in others’ actions. One of the cognitive distortions that CBT helps to cope with is arbitrary inference, a conclusion that a person makes habitually without having arguments or data to support it. Basically, it’s just speculation about others.
To fight this, you can use CBT techniques to work with such arbitrary thoughts. Write them down and question them. For example, “Nobody loves me.” Then try to rationalize them – find evidence that supports or refutes the thought. This way, you can learn to distinguish between thoughts based on facts and thoughts based on guesses.
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