How to understand what you really want: 5 tips

It seems that with desires everything is simple – everyone wants to be healthy, happy, and rich.

But as soon as it comes to something more specific: choosing a profession, place of residence, and even weekend plans – many people get lost. To a large extent, this is because they do not understand what they really want.

We are talking about five simple techniques that will help you figure out your desires.

What’s the problem

Desire is an impulse sent to us by the brain to satisfy one of our needs. American psychologist Steven Rasses claims that every person has 16 of them: satisfaction, physical activity, communication, romantic relationships, creating a family and caring for offspring, loyalty to one’s group and its values, recognition, social status, power, curiosity, independence, justice, accumulation, self-defense, predictability, comfort.

In theory, the realization of desires should satisfy these needs. But that doesn’t always happen. The problem is that consciousness often misinterprets our needs. Or it makes us concentrate on the simplest and easily achievable, imposed by the environment, advertising, and social media desires. But their realization cannot satisfy us. This leads to disappointment, frustration, and makes us make irrational decisions.

For example, a person experiences the need to demonstrate their high social status. To satisfy it, they buy an expensive smartphone. But those around them don’t notice this. The person feels disappointed and, to get rid of it, buys an even more prestigious smartphone.

This can continue to infinity until the person finds a more effective way to satisfy their need. To do this, they need to learn to distinguish between their true and false desires. Here are five tips to help them do this.

ADVICE #1 – Don’t rush

It can be difficult to understand our own desires due to the workings of the brain, specifically the built-in reward system. The main active substance in this system is dopamine, which is released when we anticipate something good, motivating us and improving our mood.

At the same time, dopamine weakens our ability to think rationally, causing us to want something easy to attain so we can feel pleasure again. For example, buying something expensive but not too necessary to show status or eating something high in calories and unhealthy to satisfy a need for comfort.

The good news is that the reward system can be deceived. Scientists from Harvard Business School have found that people usually do what they want first and then what they need. For example, one of their experiments showed that when shopping in a supermarket, people tend to choose ice cream and soda first, before buying more nutritious food.

But when people bought products online, which means they understood that they would receive them after some time, they became less impulsive. And they ordered more necessary and useful products and fewer sweets. Scientists explain these results by the fact that, apparently, it is easier for people to deny themselves pleasure in the future than right now.

This means that if you desperately want something but are not sure that you will be satisfied by getting it, give yourself a little time. For example, decide that you will fulfill your desire on a specific date: on New Year’s holidays or on your birthday. It is quite possible that by this time you will find a way to satisfy the need behind your desire in a more rational way.

Advice #2 – Act as the best version of yourself.

It is believed that our needs are based on our true self-representations, what we need for happiness, and our values. So, to understand which of your desires are real and which are not, you need to understand yourself first. One way to do this is the “Being. Doing. Undertaking in context” exercise, which is often used in acceptance and responsibility therapy. Professor Vicki H. Strecker of the University of Michigan describes this exercise in her course on finding greater goals and meaning in life.

First, determine what kind of person you would like to be. For example: honest, responsive, successful, confident, able to defend your interests. Choose several characteristics and personal qualities from different areas of life in this way. Then formulate in what actions these characteristics could manifest. It is better if these are not general phrases, like “I’ll work better,” but something specific, like “I’ll take courses to improve my qualifications and take on a new project.” Be sure to write it down.

The next time you have trouble figuring out your desires, reread these notes. And think about what a person you want to be would do and what qualities would be useful to him or her.

For example, your parents insist that you return to your hometown and continue the family business. Naturally, you don’t want to conflict with them, but you have noted that you would like to achieve success in a completely different field, and from your qualities you value independence and self-sufficiency. This would mean that, by agreeing with your parents, you would go against your own desires and make yourself unhappy. So you shouldn’t give in to your parents, even if it ruins your relationship.

ADVICE #3 – Set priorities

Another way to understand what is important to you and what is not is described in the book “Conquer Your Fear” by business coach Mandy Holtby.

To start, make a list of everything that is meaningful to you. This may include things that are close and understandable to most people, such as family, career, financial stability and well-being. And also, something more personal, such as your blog or training for a marathon.

As a result, you should have a list of at least ten such items. When making it, remember that no one will ever see it – this way you can be completely honest with yourself. And allow yourself not to be guided by stereotypes. So, as Hölgert explains, it is perfectly normal to include your children in the list of your values, but not to add your husband or wife.

Next, start comparing items on the list pair by pair, answering the question “What can I do without?” For example, first come career and entertainment. If you cannot do without a career, it gets 1 point and entertainment gets 0. Again, you need to answer honestly and not blame yourself, even if your choice is not socially approved. So, if you give 0 points to family, don’t think there’s something wrong with you. Your task right now is to understand what place family takes among your priorities.

Compare all items on your list in this way so that next to each one there are nine scores: ones or zeros. Add up all the ones next to each item. And highlight three that got the most points. That way, you’ll understand what’s most important in your life and figure out your desires. Those that correspond to your main values will bring you satisfaction, and those that do not, most likely, won’t.

Advice #4 – Sacrifice with non-refundable expenses

Another reason why people can’t understand and accept their true desires is the trap of non-refundable expenses. This is a cognitive distortion that causes us to consider the efforts, time, money, and other resources invested when making decisions. This is why it is often difficult to abandon an uninteresting study, close a business that has long been unprofitable and unenjoyable, stop watching a boring series, finish reading a bad book, or give up long-exhausted relationships.

It has been observed that the trap of non-refundable expenses even works in small things. For example, precisely because of this, when coming to a shopping center where there is nothing suitable, we still buy something there.

There are several scientific theories as to why we fall into the trap of sunk costs: we don’t want to feel wrong or defeated, we feel a sense of responsibility, tend to cling to the past, and strive to avoid cognitive dissonance, a state of discomfort arising from the collision of different beliefs in our consciousness. We may also continue doing something even if we no longer want to, because we fear both change and regretting it later.

To escape this trap, you can use a technique that is effective for any other cognitive biases: learn to notice and intercept them. To do this, start evaluating the situation from the present perspective and completely eliminate the influence of the past. For example, think about whether you really want to continue studying a specialty that you entered several years ago based on your parents’ advice. Would you choose this specialty again if you had to apply today? Are you justifying the years and effort already spent?

ADVICE #5 – Rebound from the unpleasant

While some people dream of everything and immediately, others, on the contrary, complain about not knowing what they want. The problems with understanding desires even arise in everyday questions. For example, many people cannot determine where to spend their vacation and where to have dinner. Psychologists advise these people to think first and foremost not about what they want, but about what they do not want. This is usually much easier.

The method is extremely simple: make a maximum detailed list of your anti-desires. For example, when choosing a time and direction for a vacation, write down what you would definitely not like to fly on a plane for too long, eat spicy food, be crowded with other tourists near attractions and not sleep well due to noisy parties near the windows.

Each condition will help to eliminate several options, and so you will gradually reach the optimal – that is, desired by you – solution.