Block and forget: What is ghosting?

Sometimes, after months of intense messaging, a person suddenly disappears.

He stops reading messages – and responding to them. And eventually just blocks you. This behavior is called ghosting. We talk about it in the new issue of the guide to psychology.

What is ghosting?

Ghosting is the sudden and unexplained termination of any communication by one of the parties. The term comes from the English word “ghost”.

It is believed that ghosting is particularly common in romantic relationships, especially those that develop online. Modern means of communication – messengers, applications, social networks – allow you to interrupt communication in a second without bothering with any explanations.

But in reality, ghosting often occurs between friends, business partners, or family members. There is also a separate type of work ghosting, when an employer suddenly stops responding to an unofficial employee. Or when an employee suddenly and without explanation stops coming to work and cannot be reached.

Studies show that ghosting has a highly negative impact on the mental state of the victim – the one who is abruptly cut off without explanation. Therefore, such behavior is often considered a form of passive aggression or emotional abuse.

It is not known exactly who first started using this term. It is believed that it appeared in the 1990s. And it became widely spread by the mid-2010s due to the mass distribution of online dating applications.

However, scientists are convinced that ghosting as a way out of unsatisfactory relationships for some reason existed long before the appearance of electronic means of communication. For example, not leaving your phone number after casual sex or leaving a party without saying goodbye to anyone is also a kind of ghosting, which, however, differs from each other in terms of level of harmlessness.

Psychologist Wendy Walsh distinguishes several types of ghosting depending on how destructive they are.

The first one is a relatively harmless micro-ghosting. When a person demonstratively does not respond to one or two messages in a messenger. And the person being “ghosted” can roughly guess why this is happening. For example, because you seriously argued with him over dinner, did not come to a compromise, and it hurt his feelings.

Middle-level ghosting is when a person with whom you have recently started communicating, for example, went on a few dates, suddenly stops communicating. And doesn’t respond to requests to explain what’s going on. This causes noticeable psychological pain to the person being “ghosted”.

The third, most traumatic level of ghosting is when someone very close to you: a friend, relative, or lover, suddenly ends the relationship without any explanation.

Why does ghosting arise?

Because of the fear of experiencing emotional discomfort

Parting ways can be unpleasant for both the person being left and the initiator, and ghosting appears to offer a convenient way to avoid the pain that comes with clarifying relationships, shedding tears, exchanging insults, and feeling guilty.

Due to a decrease in empathy

Studies show that people who are inclined to ghosting rarely think about the feelings of the other side. They do not realize that they are causing pain to someone else. That is why ending a relationship without explanation is not difficult for them. Especially online.

During communication in messengers and social networks, people do not see or hear each other, they do not read the nonverbal signals that their body sends. The other person is represented only by a set of symbols. Sometimes such communication is not perceived as entirely real, and the interlocutor is not considered completely existing. As a result, the feelings of the other person cease to be significant.

Due to special ideas about beauty

Individuals who hold the belief in the existence of soulmates often seek perfection in romantic relationships, leading them to engage in ghosting behavior. Essentially, they desire to discover a partner who is a flawless match for them. If a prospective romantic partner fails to meet specific criteria, the relationship is promptly ended. To these individuals, this approach seems reasonable – why invest time and effort in someone who doesn’t match their ideal standards.

Due to unfavorable working conditions

For example, low salary, unhealthy atmosphere within the team, and complete absence of free time. These are the main reasons for labor turnover from employees.

However, researchers note that certain categories of employees are inclined to resort to it: young, low-skilled, unburdened by children and debts. Work doesn’t seem valuable to them because they know there’s no special risk for them if they leave it. If something goes wrong, they can always find the same kind of job at any time.

Because of the desire to protect oneself

Ghosting can be used to escape abusive or toxic, mentally destructive relationships. Often, for a victim of violence, the strategy of not explaining anything to the aggressor is the most reliable if she wants to escape as quickly as possible and begin to recover.

What is dangerous of ghosting

The hardest thing is for those who are “ghosted”. It is extremely important for people to maintain strong connections with each other. Therefore, we perceive any separation as an act of social rejection. According to scientists, our brain reacts to it in the same way as to physical pain. For many, experiencing ghosting is similar to grieving – experiencing the death of a loved one.

The lack of explanations makes the situation particularly unbearable. Remaining in ignorance, a person inevitably begins to think that the cause is in their wrong behavior or actions. Or that they are not good enough, smart enough, competent enough, communicative enough, and therefore do not deserve to receive any explanation at all.

Over time, victims of ghosting may develop a negative self-image. They become less confident, less likely to take initiative, and start to lose trust in themselves and others. This can have a negative impact on both their personal and professional lives, as well as lead to mental health issues such as increased anxiety and depression.

What to do if you become a victim of ghosting.

Try to acknowledge that you’re experiencing pain

Studies show that when people do not resist negative emotions and accept them, they pass more quickly and bring us less harm. It will be a little easier to do this if you occasionally remind yourself that feeling pain after a breakup is a completely natural reaction for any person. And avoiding it is practically impossible.

Fight for your self-esteem

Remember: what you went through with ghosting, in most cases, is not related to your personality or behavior. The reason is that the person who did it to you is unable to handle the emotional discomfort and honestly say what they dislike about your relationship. Therefore, you should not take full responsibility for what happened.

If you feel that your psychological state has sharply deteriorated due to ghosting – and the symptoms do not go away for several weeks – try to seek help from a psychologist or psychotherapist. They will help you understand the situation and cope with it faster.