Table of Contents Show
Communicating with parents can be challenging at times. Parents may offer unsolicited advice, attempt to impose their perspectives, fuss over insignificant matters, and often fail to recognize their children as autonomous individuals. However, it is possible to alter this communication style, albeit not an easy task. The following are some suggestions that could help.
Why difficulties arise?
The bond between a child and their parents, especially the mother, emerges immediately after the child’s birth, creating a strong emotional connection. Scientists consider this attachment as a crucial biological mechanism that helps humanity survive, activated during the first interactions between the mother and child.
This bond is what motivates parents to care for and protect their children without expecting anything in return. Children, in turn, remain close to their parents and heed their guidance, gaining valuable experience. In the beginning, the child is in a subservient position to their parents. For many years, parents make decisions about where the child lives, what they learn, what they eat, and what clothes they wear.
However, as the child grows older, they gradually distance themselves from their parents. This separation is necessary for a person to mature and learn how to make decisions and take responsibility for them. Ideally, parents should not hinder this process and should gradually grant their children more freedom, building new relationships with them.
However, in reality, this is not always the situation. Separation from their child can be difficult for parents, creating an emotional imbalance: parents may require communication with their adult children more than their children need it with them.
As a consequence, frequent phone calls, insensitive inquiries, and surprise visits from parents can cause disputes. Furthermore, children may not see these actions as care, but rather as criticism.
As time progresses, this may result in a breakdown of communication. Here are some suggestions to prevent such an outcome.
ADVICE #1 – Clarify relationships
The key is to honestly communicate your emotions. This approach frequently resolves some of the issues, as parents may be unaware of how certain words or actions hurt you.
To maximize the impact, family psychotherapist Shahi Shakhnovaz recommends following several guidelines:
- If you feel irritated, it’s best not to begin discussing painful topics with your parents. Instead, take a short break, go for a walk, take a bath, or get some sleep. After you have had time to clear your head, write down your problems with your parents on a piece of paper. This will allow you to calm down and gain some perspective. You can then re-formulate the problem more clearly and effectively convey it to your parents.
- To avoid conflicts during a discussion, it’s recommended to use “I-statements”. Accusing statements like “Mom, you don’t let me breathe calmly! You are always telling me what to do!” should be avoided. Instead, only describe your own thoughts, feelings, and reactions. For instance, “Mom, I feel like you think I’m useless every time you give me advice that I didn’t ask for.”
- To avoid arguments, it is advisable to actively listen to your parents and not interrupt them during the discussion. Psychotherapists recommend this technique, which involves allowing your parents to express themselves fully, and then asking clarifying questions and restating what you understood from their point of view. This approach can help both parties better understand each other’s position and identify the root of common problems. It is also possible that the issues have nothing to do with you, and your parents might be going through a tough time where communicating with loved ones helps them relieve stress.
- To avoid an argument, you can start the discussion remotely. For example, you can send a letter via email to your parents describing your feelings and emotions. This way, they won’t be able to accuse you immediately, and they will have time to calm down and think about the letter. This can increase your chances of being heard.
ADVICE #2 – Set boundaries
When people set rules for their parents, they may feel guilty and hurt their parents’ feelings. However, establishing clear boundaries can make relationships healthier in the long run.
As an adult, you have the right to communicate your needs to others and request that they respect them. Procrastinating to resolve the issue will only lead to increasing frustration and irritation, thereby worsening your relationship with your parents. On the other hand, establishing boundaries offers the possibility of reducing stress and tension, improving communication with your parents, and allowing them to enjoy the interaction as well.
To establish boundaries correctly, follow these steps:
- Clearly state the new rules. For instance, you can mention that you don’t want your parents to visit your place without prior notice in the future. Explain why you need this rule, such as your apartment being your personal space and your occasional need for alone time to rest from work. You can also mention that you have guests from time to time.
- Speak to your parents with respect to make it easier for them to accept the new rules. For example, express gratitude for their care and concern.
- Offer a compromise. You could suggest that you will visit them for lunch once a week on weekends.
- Inform your parents about the consequences of violating the rules. For example, let them know that if they come to your place unannounced again, you will not open the door for them.
ADVICE #3 – Don’t try to win every battle
When dealing with conflicts with your parents, it’s important to prioritize and only engage in disputes for truly significant matters. Avoid arguments over abstract topics like politics, as studies suggest that both parties usually maintain their own opinions, leading to negative emotions and creating a potential risk for the family. In fact, psychologists believe that disagreement on political issues is one reason why adult children may cease communication with their parents altogether.
Remember that your parent is human and entitled to their own perspective. You can express your objections, but they are not obligated to agree with you, and vice versa. If one of your parents frequently initiates disputes on a sensitive topic that leads to nothing but frustration, it may be helpful to set a boundary. You can agree to avoid discussing this topic until one of you changes their position.
ADVICE #4 – Talk to your parents about your life
Parents often interfere in the lives of their adult children because they are unfamiliar with what’s going on, which can lead to anxiety. However, the solution to this problem is simple: open up to your parents. You can start small by sharing details about your day in your next conversation and then make it a regular practice. By sharing your feelings, desires, actions, problems, dreams, and joys with your parents, you can strengthen your relationship and alleviate their anxiety.
When parents have more information about your life, they tend to worry less. This reduces their need to constantly control you and protect you from trouble. Additionally, if you do encounter any problems, your parents will be better equipped to provide the necessary help and support.
However, the most significant benefit of having sincere conversations with your parents is that it strengthens your bond and fosters a more authentic and friendly relationship. So, make an effort to communicate openly and honestly with your parents. It will not only ease their concerns but also enhance your relationship in meaningful ways.
ADVICE #5 – Behave like an adult
Many people demand that their parents respect their personal boundaries and not interfere in their affairs, yet they often behave like a child by constantly seeking help in any unpleasant situation. This mixed messaging can cause confusion for parents, who may unconsciously view their child as dependent, leading to behaviors consistent with this perception. In psychology, this phenomenon is known as regression.
If you desire equal relationships with your parents, it’s essential to consistently behave like an adult. Avoid relying on your parents to solve your problems, take responsibility for your actions, and fulfill your obligations. By demonstrating your independence and maturity, you can establish healthier and more balanced relationships with your parents.
For example:
- If you’re living with your parents, take responsibility for some of the household tasks, such as paying part of the utility expenses, buying groceries, cooking meals for yourself and your parents, and performing some of the household chores.
- If you borrow money from your parents, make sure to repay it on time as agreed upon.
- Keep in mind that your parents are not obligated to take care of your children. They do it out of love and care for you, so be appreciative and grateful for their help.
Responses