“You asked for it yourself” – Identifying Abusers

There are individuals whose actions can shatter even the toughest of spirits. They tend to verbally abuse those they are closest to and lay the blame for all issues at their feet. They habitually find fault with their subordinates, subjecting them to merciless ridicule in public without any valid cause. They exercise absolute control over every facet of their children’s lives, demanding unwavering obedience. These individuals are often termed psychological abusers. In the upcoming edition of this psychology guide, we will delve into their characteristics.

Who is an abuser?

A psychological abuser is someone who frequently wields their power, authority, social standing, or influence to inflict emotional harm on others. This harmful behavior has a detrimental impact on victim’s mental well-being, their capacity to express themselves, achieve self-realization, and find happiness.

Psychologists highlight that almost any type of relationship can become tainted by abuse, whether it’s between romantic partners, parents and children, coworkers, educators and students, or even friends.

Furthermore, recognizing an abuser in everyday life isn’t always straightforward. To those in their circle, they might appear as a pleasant, intelligent, and considerate individual in all respects. No one suspects that under different circumstances, they have the potential to turn someone’s life into a living nightmare.

Ironically, the victim themselves might not always realize that they are trapped in an abusive relationship.

How to Identify an Abuser?

In the past, there was a belief that abusive behavior followed a repetitive cycle. It began with a “tension” stage, during which the abuser experienced stress. This was followed by an “incident” where the abuser would release their stress through acts of violence, such as yelling at a loved one. Then came stages of “reconciliation,” where the abuser would become tender and caring, and “calm”.

Today, most psychologists consider this concept to be flawed. The idea that abusive relationships follow clear stages that the victim can anticipate and therefore prevent shifts the responsibility for the abuser’s behavior onto the victim.

Instead of the notion of abuse cycles, experts advise paying attention to a general list of typical manifestations. You might suspect you are in an abusive relationship if the other person consistently:

1. Insults, humiliates, or shames you, either directly or in the presence of others.
2. Exercises control over you or treats you as their property, dictating how you should spend your time or money, who you should associate with, what to wear, or where to work.
3. Makes you feel incompetent and unimportant, disregarding your feelings.
4. Induces doubt in your own perceptions and knowledge, a tactic known as gaslighting.
5. Exhibits intense jealousy when you spend time with friends or family.
6. Withdraws attention or communication when they believe you’ve wronged them.
7. Threatens harm to you, your loved ones, or themselves to manipulate your actions.
8. Demands permission for your activities and whereabouts.
9. Monitors your movements and actions while blaming you for their abusive behavior.
10. Offers praise and gifts to manipulate your compliance in the future.

Additionally, abusers may employ phrases and statements such as:

• “You’re irritating me once again!”
• “I know better. Do as I say.”
• “You’re so unintelligent!”
• “It’s astonishing how someone as foolish as you managed to survive to your age.”
• “You have no idea how to handle money. I’ll take care of it.”
• “Oops, I spilled tea again! Clumsy fool.”
• “I don’t like it when you go out to see your friends in the evenings.”
• “I noticed you flirting with the saleswoman again.”
• “I struggle to interact with your relatives. Let’s stop visiting them on holidays.”

Root Causes of Abusive Behavior

1. Upbringing: When a child is raised in an environment where emotional abuse is considered normal, they may carry this pattern into their adult relationships, primarily affecting romantic partners and their own children.
2. Certain Mental Disorders: Individuals with clinical levels of narcissism or personality disorders like antisocial, borderline, or histrionic tendencies may exhibit a proclivity towards emotional violence.
3. Substance Dependencies: Abuse often co-occurs with alcohol or drug addiction, as these substances can destabilize a person’s psyche, diminishing their capacity for self-control and self-reflection.
4. Personality Traits: Researchers suggest that abusers often possess personality traits marked by heightened suspicion, jealousy, low self-control, and a propensity for sudden mood swings and anger outbursts. They tend to tolerate violence and its various manifestations.
5. Gender: For a long time, the belief persisted that men were more likely to become abusers due to social roles that encouraged aggression and the pursuit of control over others. However, studies have shown that the tendency toward psychological abuse is not significantly linked to gender.

The Perils of Psychological Abuse

Psychologists emphasize that the emotional repercussions of psychological abuse are on par with the consequences of physical violence. With time, the victim’s self-esteem and belief in their mental and physical capabilities wane, affecting nearly every facet of their life.

In the short term, this leads to a persistent sense of confusion, depression, powerlessness, fear, difficulty concentrating, nightmares, and an elevated heart rate.

Over the long term, it can result in post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, severe insomnia, eating disorders, and social isolation.

Furthermore, it’s worth noting that psychological abuse can escalate into physical abuse over time. For instance, if the abuser senses they are losing control over their victim, especially if the victim attempts to assert independence or terminate the relationship.

Children are particularly vulnerable to the dangers of psychological abuse. Research indicates that it can impede emotional and intellectual development, increase anxiety, and foster aggressiveness. In adulthood, individuals who endured emotional abuse in childhood face a heightened risk of developing cardiovascular diseases.

How to Break Free from an Abuser

Escaping an abusive relationship can be an incredibly challenging endeavor. Over time, the victim often becomes wholly reliant on their abuser, convinced they cannot manage life without them. Numerous complicating factors may further entangle the situation, such as financial dependence, shared children, and pressure from well-meaning family members who may misunderstand the need to leave.

Nevertheless, it is possible to escape. Here’s a rough plan of action recommended by psychologists:

1. Do not attempt to reform a deeply entrenched abuser. Unequal relationships serve their interests, so they generally lack the incentive, and often the desire, to change their behavior.
2. Do not blame yourself for being in an abusive relationship. No one, regardless of their actions, deserves such mistreatment.
3. Prioritize self-care. Strive for adequate sleep, nourishment, physical activity, and engaging in activities that bring you joy. This will help you gather the strength to confront the abuser or seek assistance from others.
4. Open up to trusted loved ones. Sharing your feelings with them will provide essential emotional support and establish a support network for a potential escape.
5. Minimize contact with the abuser if you no longer live with them. Avoid responding to their calls and messages. If unavoidable interactions, such as for work, are necessary, endeavor to have a third party present, which can act as a deterrent against potential attacks.
6. End the relationship with the abuser when feasible. Although it may seem drastic, it becomes necessary if other methods to halt psychological abuse prove ineffective.

The process of escaping an abuser, particularly when the relationship was intimate or cohabitative, is always fraught with stress. Adequate planning and preparation are crucial to ensure a smooth transition:

1. Secure a safe place to stay initially. Make arrangements with friends or family who can provide shelter and support during your move. Plan to make the transition as secure as possible.
2. Set aside some funds. Keep a sum of money sufficient for a taxi ride and initial meals.
3. Allow time for recovery. Psychological abuse doesn’t simply vanish. You’ll need to rebuild self-trust, restore self-esteem, and replace the negative self-perceptions imposed by the abuser with positive ones. Professional help from psychologists and psychotherapists can be invaluable in this healing process.

What to Do If You’re the Perpetrator of Abuse

Dealing with a proclivity for abusive behavior can be an immensely challenging journey to undertake independently. The most effective course of action is to seek assistance from a qualified professional, like a psychotherapist.

A psychotherapist can aid you in comprehending the underlying causes of your propensity for psychological violence and, whenever feasible, work towards their elimination. They’ll provide guidance on how to manage your behavior and fulfill your needs in ways that are non-harmful to those around you.