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In relationships, partners can sometimes behave like a contrast shower. They may swear eternal love, shower you with gifts, and then suddenly become cold, rude, or disappear for several days. This cycle repeats over and over again, making it very difficult to break away from such unhealthy relationships. This is how emotional swings work, and we will cover them in the new guide to the psyche.
What is a love rollercoaster?
A person constantly changes their behavior by using emotional swings as a manipulative technique. They follow periods of warmth, care, and tenderness with coldness, and sometimes even cruelty. The manipulator’s behavior can change multiple times a day or last for weeks, leaving the victim unsure of what to expect. As a result, the victim experiences intense emotions, both positive and negative, and loses their ability to make balanced decisions while becoming more attached to the manipulator.
Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder typically use this technique, sometimes unconsciously, as they view this type of relationship as normal. Sensitive individuals who possess a strong ability to empathize, are susceptible to criticism, and are prone to more acute reactions often become victims.
Not only romantic partners but also friends, colleagues, or bosses can cause emotional swings. Parents who believe in using a carrot and stick approach to raise their child also operate on this scheme. Sometimes, emotional swings are created by several people taking turns. The good cop/bad cop routine is a classic example where one officer threatens and shouts at a suspect while the other tries to gain their trust through sympathy and understanding.
Although people have been using this manipulative technique for ages, scientists have only recently become interested in it.
In 1996, Polish psychologist and behavior researcher Dariusz Dolinski conducted an experiment on random passersby on the streets of a city to describe the effect of emotional swings, also known as the fear and relief effect. His experiment involved blowing a police whistle when people crossed the road in the wrong place. Despite no police officer being present, the violators turned around, expecting punishment. Once they realized that there was no police nearby and they were not going to be fined, they went about their business. Shortly after, another assistant of the researcher approached them and asked them to participate in a survey. The woman immediately said that the questionnaire would take 10 minutes and they would have to stand on the sidewalk the whole time. People who experienced fear and relief were more likely to agree to participate than those who were not “whistled” at.
Later, German scientists discovered that the same effect occurs not only with fear and relief but also with other negative and positive emotions in contrast, such as disappointment and joy.
Why do love swings happen happens?
Our brain can work against us, and this is especially true in the case of a traumatic event. Whether it’s experiencing sudden coldness from a partner or fear of punishment for breaking rules, such events can negatively affect the normal functioning of the amygdala, prefrontal cortex, and hippocampus – areas responsible for experiencing emotions, self-control, impulsivity, and decision-making processes.
Furthermore, trauma can disrupt the connection between the hemispheres of the brain and slow down the activity of the left hemisphere, which impairs the ability to solve problems, think things through, and make decisions.
The dopamine system is also affected by emotional swings. When a person receives a reward at an unpredictable moment, dopamine is produced much more actively than when rewards are given regularly and on schedule. This phenomenon is known as schedules of reinforcement, and it can quickly become a habitual behavior pattern.
In addition, negative experiences also contribute to the production of dopamine, causing a person to focus more actively on things that are necessary for survival. So, although alternating between “honeymoon periods” and complete ignoring of each other may make the relationship unhealthy, it only strengthens the attachment.
What risk does a love rollercoster pose?
Unreliable relationships
A partner who practices emotional rollercoasters can create a vibrant but dysfunctional relationship. The manipulator will always hold the balance of power in the couple, and the victim must continually submit or risk being left without emotional nourishment. However, ending such relationships can be challenging, particularly if they have been ongoing for an extended period.
Self-esteem suffers
When a person’s partner fluctuates between anger and kindness, the victim may inadvertently seek the source of this behavior within themselves, rather than acknowledging the manipulator’s actions. The victim may replay recent dates in their head, searching for numerous reasons for the manipulator’s behavior, ranging from minor personal flaws like a bad hairstyle or an awkward joke.
Excessive compliance
Darius Dolinski defines the state that arises from experiencing emotional swings as a state of unconsciousness. Through various experiments, he has demonstrated that during such moments, individuals often lose their ability to make well-considered decisions and become more compliant. After experiencing a series of opposing emotions, an individual is more susceptible to being persuaded to do something, even if it is not in their best interest.
One example of the use of emotional rollercoaster techniques is by telephone scammers. Initially, they scare the victim by delivering a message that their money is being stolen. However, the scammer then poses as a security service employee and offers to guide them on how to safeguard their savings. This creates a sense of relief and hope, immediately eliciting positive emotions in the victim who becomes more willing to transfer their money to the suggested location.
What to do
Learn to recognize manipulators
It is easier to avoid getting into relationships with partners who exhibit emotional swings than to extricate oneself from them later. Several early signs can help identify a potential manipulator:
- The relationship begins with an intense start. Even though you barely know each other, your partner may lavish you with gifts and profess their love. This behavior is known as “love bombing” and could be a tactic to emotionally attach you to them.
- The partner establishes certain behavior patterns but suddenly changes them. For instance, they may exchange gifts every month on the date of the acquaintance, try out a new restaurant on Fridays, and send mandatory goodnight wishes before bed. After a while, the partner could instantly cease these patterns without any apparent reason.
- The person deliberately ignores you. The silence can feel like a physical blow and trigger the anterior cingulate cortex, which is responsible for experiencing physical pain.
- The partner provides promises and hints instead of concrete plans. They may discuss how fantastic it would be to go on vacation together, get married, or purchase a house in a picturesque location. However, when it comes down to actual plans, such as booking tickets, it turns out that the partner is not prepared for it.
Set a three-strike rule
To prevent being entangled in relationships that may transform into emotional rollercoasters, one can utilize the method of psychologist Martha Stout from her book, “The Sociopath Next Door.” If an individual attempts to involve you in a “hot-cold” game, do not rush to terminate the relationship immediately. Instead, observe if the behavior is repeated. If the individual repeats the same behavior, give them a second warning mentally and decrease your investment in the relationship. After the third instance, it may be advisable to end the relationship entirely.
Take a pause
If you notice that an individual is attempting to create emotional rollercoasters for you, such as ignoring you for a week and then inviting you to meet their parents, avoid agreeing right away. You may be influenced by the fear and relief effect, which can impair your ability to make well-considered decisions. To regain your cognitive abilities, try restoring them through mental arithmetic.
Although this advice may seem peculiar, it has been proven to be effective. In one of Dariusz Dolinski’s experiments, participants were approached by a disguised assistant posing as a blind pedestrian on the street. The assistant asked the participants to inform him of how much time was remaining until a certain time, which required them to perform some mental arithmetic. The researcher concluded that this exercise helped the participants to overcome the state of unconsciousness, leading them to be less likely to agree to take a survey on the street compared to other passersby who did not have to calculate the time.
End the relationship
If you sense that your partner’s conduct is jeopardizing your self-esteem and eliciting emotions of guilt and anxiety, it may be worthwhile to contemplate whether you should continue communicating with that individual. Breaking up with the manipulator is the most extreme way to dismount the emotional rollercoaster.
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