“Well, I told you!” – Dealing with the Nitpicker

Some folks can really get on your nerves.

You’ve probably encountered someone who can’t resist pointing out every little error, freely dishes out unsolicited advice, and, when asked about a recent movie, launches into a diatribe about how the book was far superior. This kind of behavior can be pretty suffocating. However, it’s often not about deliberately annoying others, but rather a failure to understand other people’s feelings.

Who is a nitpicker?

A nitpicker is a person with whom it’s challenging to have a smooth conversation due to their fussiness, excessive attention to detail, a lack of humor, and a preference for discussing topics only they find interesting.

Nitpicking can manifest itself in various ways. This person offers unsolicited advice, makes constant corrections, insists on their own viewpoint, nitpicks, tries to prove their superiority, claiming they know a subject better or have more refined tastes.

At work, they might pester their colleagues about a typo in a document for weeks. In a cafe, they could lecture the waiter on how to slice cucumbers for a salad. At a party, they’ll interrupt others enjoying themselves such as playing beer pong, reminding them that gossiping is bad and alcohol is harmful.

Often, meticulous and careful individuals are unfairly labeled as difficult to work with. But there’s a big difference between displaying these qualities when needed, like an editor carefully reviewing a text for errors, and nitpicking over comma placement in a hastily typed chat message.

If you hear phrases like these, chances are you’re dealing with a nitpicker:

• “Seriously, you believe Mercury retrograde can make you late? Let me school you on magical thinking right now!”
• “No, I don’t watch TV shows. I find them dull and a waste of time. Self-education is far more worthwhile.”
• “Didn’t succeed, did you? I told you so!”
• “Meatballs with pasta for lunch? Your diet needs more vegetables. Swap pasta for buckwheat and meatballs for chicken breast.”
• “Thanks for the compliment, but it’s not a jacket; it’s a blazer.”
• “What’s so funny about sad cat memes? It’s just Photoshop!”

Why do people become nitpickers?

Nitpicking can be attributed to certain personality traits. The way someone interacts with their environment is influenced by their personality. For instance, introverts are more prone to nitpicking. In a small study, participants were asked to evaluate several emails, some intentionally containing errors and typos, and form opinions about the senders. They had to guess who wrote each email and assess how good a neighbor they’d make.

The participants also took a psychological test to measure five qualities: extraversion, agreeableness, neuroticism, openness to new experiences, and conscientiousness. It turned out that introverts were particularly picky about grammar and critical of the senders, as well as people who were less open to new experiences.

Nitpickers can also stem from a lack of emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence includes qualities like empathy, self-awareness, social skills, self-control, and motivation that enable people to understand their own and others’ emotions well, as well as influence them. Psychologists also recognize social intelligence, which pertains to the ability to interact effectively with others and integrate into society.

High emotional and social intelligence can make it easier to be liked by others, avoid conflicts, gather like-minded people around you, and advance in your career. In contrast, someone lacking these skills might not comprehend that a friend discussing a financial setback is seeking sympathy, not just a lecture or a warning.

A limited sense of humor is another reason nitpickers may rub people the wrong way. While jokes and memes often thrive on the absurdity of situations and odd images, nitpickers try to rationalize them and connect them to real-life events.

Lastly, a keen interest in a particular subject can turn you into a bore, but often, it’s not the intention. These individuals are just so engrossed in a specific topic that they believe everyone else should find it fascinating.

What’s the downside of nitpicking?

Dealing with nitpicky individuals can be exhausting, but it’s unlikely to seriously harm you. After encountering a nitpicker, you might feel irritation, but it’s just another story for your social media feed.

However, it’s a different story if you’re the one who tends to suffocate others. It can be challenging to fit in with groups, find common ground with colleagues, make friends, or establish romantic relationships. All of this increases the risk of loneliness and social isolation, which can lead to various unpleasant consequences such as depression, cardiovascular problems, and a shorter lifespan.

A lack of the ability to have fun can also negatively impact mental health. A small American study found that people who view entertainment as a waste of time are more likely to experience anxiety and unhappiness.

What to do when dealing with a nitpicker?

Communicating with such people can be tough. If you’re feeling drained from a barrage of unsolicited comments and lectures on proper nutrition, try the technique of expressing your emotions.

Studies have shown that expressing your emotions can reduce activity in the brain centers responsible for emotions and activate the frontal lobe, which is involved in logical thinking and reasoning.

Label your emotions and feelings at the moment, like saying, “I feel tired, irritated, but also slightly amused.” This can help you detach from your emotions, regain control of the situation, and avoid getting into an argument with the nitpicker.

What to do if you’re the nitpicker?

If you recognize yourself as a nitpicker and want to change, rest assured it’s entirely possible. The following techniques can help you in this transformation:

1. Develop your emotional and social intelligence. Learn to understand the moods of those around you and react appropriately. Start by observing your own emotions in various situations and during interactions with different people. Try to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and think about what they’d like to hear. Are they looking for advice, or do they just need support? Analyze the effectiveness of your communication. If you corrected someone’s mistake, did it help them or merely annoy them?
2. Don’t be a dull conversationalist. Social psychologist Mark Leary’s research uncovered nine traits that can make conversations uninspiring, causing people to disengage quickly and label the speaker as uninteresting. These characteristics encompass self-centeredness, dullness, a lack of engagement, nitpicking, passivity, excessive seriousness, sycophantic behavior, distractibility, and negative self-centeredness, which is essentially complaining about one’s own problems and showing little regard for others. To keep conversations engaging, it’s important to steer clear of these traits and instead actively listen and take a genuine interest in the speaker’s perspectives.
   • In a separate study, researchers set out to define the common traits of a boring person. They conducted a survey to find out whom people consider to be dull and what characteristics, hobbies, and professions they associated with boredom. The responses revealed that the most uninspiring individuals were often data analysts, accountants, and employees in the insurance industry.
   • Conversely, scientists and journalists came across as the most entertaining and engaging people to those surveyed, even though they frequently work with numbers and data. Researchers speculated that this perception hinged on how these professionals presented their work. So, even if you work as a data analyst, you can still make your profession interesting by discussing how your work contributes to improving popular applications or ensuring supermarket shelves are stocked with essentials like buckwheat.
3. Learn to embrace enjoyment. If you’ve ever found corporate gatherings or family birthday parties to be a bit of a challenge when it comes to having a good time, there’s hope for a change. You can enhance your enjoyment by finding a personal purpose. In a small-scale study, American researchers investigated who had a better time celebrating Halloween – those who attended solely for the fun or those who took on a mission, like accompanying kids to ask for candy from the neighbors. Surprisingly, the second group reported greater satisfaction with the holiday.
   • Additionally, you can assume responsibilities that make leisure activities more enjoyable and less draining, all while leveraging your meticulousness and precision. For instance, consider honing your skills in crafting cocktails, expertly blending drinks to perfection.