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Sometimes, people prioritize the comfort of others over their own, neglecting their own needs.
They suppress their feelings and put on a smile for rude clients at work, force laughter at unfunny jokes during family gatherings, or entertain their partner even when feeling exhausted. While this may seem harmless at first, constantly suppressing one’s emotions and faking them instead is considered emotional labor, which can be emotionally taxing and eventually lead to burnout. Our new guide to the psyche discusses the topic of emotional labor.
What is emotional labor?
Emotional labor, also known as emotional service, involves putting aside one’s true emotions and instead showing approved and expected emotions to create a comfortable environment for others. This can include forcing a smile in response to rude behavior at work, hiding feelings of exhaustion to avoid worrying a partner, or avoiding sensitive topics with parents to prevent upsetting them.
Despite the effort involved in emotional labor, it often goes unnoticed, even by those who perform it. Many people believe that pleasing others is easy and view emotional service as just another form of politeness, kindness, or care. However, the crucial difference is that providing emotional comfort to others comes at a cost to oneself, such as suppressing one’s own feelings, expending personal resources, and sacrificing one’s own comfort.
In her 1983 book “The Managed Heart: Commercialization of Human Feeling,” US sociologist Arlie Hochschild first drew attention to the issue of emotional labor.
Even though insincere, joyful and friendly employees can greatly benefit businesses as their positive attitude can be perceived by customers, leading to increased satisfaction and repeat business.
Hochschild argues that this ability to manage emotions has become a commodity and is regulated in the workplace, leading to performers being forced to distance themselves from their genuine emotions. Some proponents of this theory have even coined the term “emotional proletariat” to describe workers who “sell” their emotions on the labor market instead of their physical strength.
Emotional labor isn’t limited to just displaying friendliness and a constant smile. In some cases, such as debt collectors, it can involve showing anger and hostility towards debtors.
In the 21st century, the concept of emotional labor has expanded to include personal relationships. When interacting with family, partners, and friends, people often have to manage their emotions and make sacrifices.
For instance, one spouse, usually wives, may take on the responsibility of maintaining the well-being of other family members. This involves actively listening and comforting their partner, attending parent-teacher conferences that require a significant emotional investment, resolving conflicts within the family, and remembering to congratulate senior relatives on holidays. All of this is done despite their own fatigue and lack of time.
If you hear these phrases, it’s likely that you are being expected to provide emotional service:
- “Why are you sad? Smile, or you’ll spoil the atmosphere for us.”
- “Remember, the customer is always right.”
- “So what if someone was rude to you. Just don’t react.”
- “You had a hard day? Well, it’s still not as hard as mine!”
- “Why do you have to start arguing again? Can’t you just keep quiet?”
Why does emotional labor occur?
Because of money
Employers encourage cheerful employees because they bring in more money, and often reward them with bonuses. This can also be a conscious choice of employees who hope to receive generous tips.
However, it’s important to note that politeness and emotional labor are not the same thing. It’s possible to perform one’s job well, treat others with respect, and still maintain personal boundaries.
Because of inequality
According to Arlie Hochschild, the higher a person’s status, the less they need to spend resources on emotional labor. Men, in particular, have a “status shield” that protects them from the need to manage their emotions and the negative consequences of such efforts. In contrast, women tend to take on more emotional labor.
Research conducted by behavioral researcher Jennifer Pierce found that women in legal firms had to hide their real emotions and demonstrate expected emotions more often than men in equal positions. Another study, which observed the work of junior medical personnel, showed that male nurses are less involved in emotional labor than female nurses. Stereotypes that prescribe women to be more empathetic, submissive, and caring may be the cause of such inequality.
Because of fear
Hiding real emotions can also be a way of self-preservation. In certain situations, it may be easier for a flight attendant to put on a fake smile and be friendly with an aggressive passenger who is under the influence of alcohol than to confront them about their behavior. In fact, sometimes displaying flattery and friendliness can be considered a natural response to a threat, just like the “fight or flight” response.
What are the negative consequences associated with emotional labor?
Lead to exhaustion
It’s not easy to smile, feign friendliness, and hide fatigue for fourteen hours, which is the average duration of a transatlantic flight. When flight attendants return home from their flights, they experience emotional exhaustion. As Arlie Hochschild pointed out, prolonged display of required emotions can lead to a period of “emotional numbness,” making it harder to maintain normal relationships with loved ones.
Furthermore, regular emotional labor and the resulting fatigue can have negative consequences for mental health, including chronic stress, burnout, and depression.
Emotional confusion can arise
Hochschild highlighted another issue faced by emotional laborers, which is disorientation. Employees experience internal conflict between their own perception of the situation and the employer’s requirements. For instance, in their personal lives, a person may typically react to rudeness by resisting and asserting boundaries, but at work, they are compelled to follow instructions and apologize.
Emotional labor can lead to an increased likelihood of alcohol consumption among its performers.
Over 1,500 people employed in professions that require frequent interactions with others were surveyed by American scientists from the University at Buffalo. The results showed that respondents who frequently feign friendliness and conceal irritation consume several times more alcohol than those who do not engage in emotional labor or do it less frequently.
Alicia Grandey, the study’s author, suggests that the reason for this lies in the weakening of self-control due to emotional labor. During the workday, individuals who are required to manage their emotions use up their self-control resources to the maximum, and after work, they turn to alcohol to relieve tension. However, since their self-control resources are already depleted, tired individuals cannot stop themselves from consuming alcohol.
It worsens the situation for women.
Emotional labor-intensive professions are often dominated by women. However, women also perform more emotional labor in their personal lives outside of work. They carry an additional burden of invisible and unpaid work, such as domestic work.
It ruins relationships in the family or couple.
When emotional labor is not distributed equally, the partner who performs it will accumulate fatigue, irritation, and resentment. Moreover, some psychologists believe that an emotional labor imbalance can turn romantic relationships into parent-child relationships, where one partner is always responsible while the other waits for help.
Strategies for dealing with emotional labor
Sharing emotional labor with your partner is possible and essential for a healthy relationship. However, it can be challenging to convince someone who is accustomed to receiving emotional labor without realizing it that it exists. To do so, you can remind them of past situations where you supported and cared for their comfort. Then, explain how and in what situations you would like to receive similar support from them and why it is essential to you.
In her book “Fed Up! or A Strong Woman’s Hand,” journalist and writer Gemma Hartley shares that several conversations helped her and her husband more fairly distribute emotional labor in their family. To make these conversations effective, Hartley advises not to start them when you are emotionally drained or at your limit.
It’s crucial to communicate clearly with your partner about what needs to change, such as setting a better example for their children.
However, it’s also essential to work on yourself. Those who regularly perform emotional labor are typically skilled at recognizing other people’s emotions and needs but tend to ignore their own.
To address this, start keeping track of instances when you perform emotional labor, such as offering a compromise or searching for something your partner asks for. In these moments, consider your own feelings and desires. By refusing to engage in emotional labor, even gently, you will be setting healthy boundaries.
If emotional labor is a part of your job, it may be challenging to refuse it, but you can mitigate its effects by considering the significance of your work. Alicia Grandey’s research on the link between emotional labor and alcohol consumption showed that the problem of drinking was less common among people who viewed their work as important, such as nurses.
Another strategy is to approach customers not as faceless entities, but as potential friends. You can personalize communication by noticing something unique about their appearance, greeting regulars, or engaging in small talk beyond the standard script. This technique helps fast food workers maintain their identity and avoid emotional exhaustion, according to one study.
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