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Negative emotions can often arise when children cry, make noise, and create messes. Even when there are no visible reasons for irritation, it is natural for people to feel frustrated by such behavior. To gain insight into why this happens, we spoke with a psychologist about how to deal with negativity and whether the child’s behavior is always to blame.
What you will learn:
- Why children can be irritating
- What to do if you feel irritation toward a child
- How to deal with discomfort when there is a noisy child nearby
- How to behave with aggressive parents
- What to do if an unfamiliar child is rude
- What to do if your own child is causing irritation
Why can children be irritating?
Anything or anyone, including children, can cause irritation, and often the root cause of unpleasant feelings lies within the adult’s own state. The adult’s state is typically the problem.
Physical discomfort
A crying baby nearby in transport can cause irritation, especially if the person is tired after a hard day’s work, has a headache, or regularly lacks sleep. Similarly, a person may become irritated by light, sharp smells, or other noises simply because they are not in a good state.
Lack of energy
Hustle and bustle, as well as excessive movement, can seem inappropriate to mature adults who often have less energy than children.
Unresolved childhood issues
When a child reflects a person’s inner problems, they can become annoying. For instance, an adult may get angry when observing a mischief maker who cannot walk straight, without realizing that this feeling may be connected to their own childhood. The reason for their frustration could be that their parents instilled in them the values of behaving quietly, not standing out, not making noise, and not expressing themselves.
Lack of parenting experience
When a mother gives her child to be raised by daycare or grandparents at an early age, she may not gain the full parenting experience. As a result, when she becomes a grandparent, she may not know what to do with her grandchildren, causing awkwardness, irritation, and sometimes even guilt for not remembering how her own children grew up.
Different values
If our parenting principles contradict what we see in others, it can cause irritation. For instance, I became annoyed when a relative’s daughter approached the table during lunch, took a greasy pancake, and walked around the room with it. Although I understood that her mother would later clean up the greasy stains on the walls and furniture, I believed that it would be easier to raise a child to eat strictly at the table.
Contradiction to stereotypes
Society once believed that motherhood was a difficult job that came with various restrictions. It was deemed normal for a mother to be on a strict diet, wash clothes by hand, sleep little, not socialize with anyone, and not complain about anything. However, nowadays, it is becoming more common to meet a young, happy woman who knows how to enjoy motherhood, engages in sports, art, or something else, and does not look exhausted. Often, her husband helps her, and they have a healthy, contented child. For some mothers who did not have the opportunity to live like that, such happy parents can be annoying.
Antipathy towards children
Although quite rare, it is possible for some people to be indifferent towards children, and excessive coddling can be annoying. There have been cases where a woman gave birth to a child to conform with societal expectations because she got married and her husband wanted a child. However, she never developed feelings of warmth towards the child. Consequently, the child of such a mother becomes deeply unhappy, feeling unwanted and unloved. The mother could not provide the child with anything except irritation.
What to do if you feel irritation towards a child?
To address irritation caused by illness or fatigue, take care of yourself and avoid stress by choosing a taxi or a car instead of public transportation.
If a friend’s or relative’s child is ruining your things and you cannot avoid spending time together, it is best to meet on neutral ground, such as a playground, park, or cafe.
If you are annoyed by another child who often visits your home, it is appropriate to set boundaries or discuss the rules of your home, such as stating “We don’t use foul language in this house.” The goal is not to reform the child, but to make it clear that such behavior is not acceptable in your home.
It is normal not to feel charmed or have a special feeling towards other people’s children. In such cases, the most acceptable option is for a person to realize their attitude towards children and choose a profession, hobby, and lifestyle that is not related to children.
Sometimes, one’s own grandchild may be annoying, but they have to take care of them. In such a case, it is worth admitting it to oneself and to the child’s parents. To solve the problem without traumatizing the child, it is possible to suggest to the parents to use the services of a nanny.
What to do if there is a noisy child nearby and it causes discomfort?
Children can cause discomfort objectively, such as making noise, kicking their legs on a bus, accidentally touching sitting passengers, or running around in a clinic. Since there are many different cases, it is impossible to come up with a single recipe for reacting. However, there are several behavior strategies that may work.
Accept that discomfort is temporary
For instance, during a recent ride on public transportation, a four-year-old girl accidentally hit me with a plastic snow shovel. Although it didn’t hurt me, I looked at the girl and realized that it was unintentional. She put the shovel away and didn’t bother me again.
Sometimes, you may encounter a crying child and their mother who is trying to calm them down but is unable to do so while traveling on public transportation. The child may be crying due to various reasons, such as being tired, hungry, thirsty, or uncomfortable. It’s not appropriate to get annoyed with the child for this, as they may not fully understand behavioral norms yet, especially if they are under the age of three. However, it’s often appropriate to try to distract the child or offer help to the mother if you have experience communicating with children.
Turn to the parents
It’s not always necessary to tolerate a child’s inappropriate behavior. For instance, if you are on a long train ride and a child in the neighboring compartment keeps fidgeting and knocking your bag off your seat, it’s appropriate to speak up. However, you should do so in the most polite and friendly way possible by talking to the child’s parent. You could say something like, “I don’t like it when my things fall on the floor. Please ask your child not to knock them off.” If you start the conversation rudely, you might receive the same rudeness in return.
Set an example
This method can be effective if your own child is nearby. For example, let’s say you’re walking with a friend who also has children, and you notice her child picking up objects from the ground and playing with them, which annoys you. You can tell your own son or daughter that it’s not safe to do so, and make sure the child who is behaving that way can hear your words. However, you shouldn’t refer to them directly. This way, you won’t try to change the behavior of the other child, but you’ll show them how to behave correctly. This approach typically works without harming your relationship with your friend.
How to deal with aggressively minded parents?
Sometimes, parents may respond with a burst of indignation when you make a polite request. It’s important to understand that parenting norms have changed over time, which may contribute to their reaction. In the past, it was common for any adult to approach a child on the street and make remarks or even scold them for bad behavior. However, such interference is no longer accepted in today’s society, and parents may become irritated when someone tries to intervene. This lack of common parenting norms can cause tension and misunderstandings.
It’s also crucial to consider that parents, particularly mothers, often face a discrepancy between their expectations and reality. Social advertising sends a message to women that giving birth will bring happiness to the world. However, in reality, mothers do not always experience this joy and realize that not everyone is prepared to accept their child unconditionally. This creates cognitive dissonance when a person’s beliefs and attitudes are in conflict with each other. A woman may feel that she is doing “good” for the benefit of society, but society may have mixed feelings towards children, which can provoke aggression.
If you encounter a conflict situation where polite requests fail to resolve the issue, it is advisable to avoid engaging in an argument and instead seek assistance from a third party. For instance, if a child is running and making loud noises in a train car at night, you could approach the conductor and request them to speak to the child’s mother.
What to do if an unfamiliar child is being rude?
You do not have to endure inappropriate behavior, but your response should be age-appropriate when dealing with a child. Remember that your objective is not to educate someone else’s child but to establish your boundaries. So, avoid making it personal or judging the child. Instead, focus on addressing the action. For instance, instead of saying, “You’re bad,” “You’re a hooligan,” or “You’re crazy,” evaluate the behavior by saying, “You’re calling names, and that’s unpleasant for me” or “You’re being rude by taking my toy.”
When a three-year-old child says that you’re bad after asking them not to touch your belongings on a cafe table, you can try to maintain a friendly demeanor and ask, “Why do you think I’m bad?” At this age, children’s responses can be surprisingly straightforward, and it is often easy to steer the conversation into a playful interaction.
For older children, such as six or seven years old, it may be helpful to explain how their words and actions can impact others. For instance, you can say, “When you make a lot of noise, the baby in the stroller may become scared” or “When you kick your leg, you may stain my jeans and make me feel uncomfortable since I am going out.” Most children understand these explanations.
What to do if your own child causes irritation?
To begin with, it is crucial to acknowledge that experiencing negative emotions is normal, and it does not make you a bad parent. This is especially true for mothers, particularly during the first few years of a child’s life when they may spend extended periods alone with their child in a confined space. The lack of time for oneself, proper sleep, and rest can contribute to feelings of irritability.
To manage these emotions, taking deep breaths or soaking your feet in warm water can be beneficial. Once the peak of irritation has passed, you may find that enjoying a cup of hot chocolate or tea with a snack, or taking a warm bath helps to relax and alleviate tension. Additionally, going for a walk outside and taking in fresh air can be extremely helpful.
In the long run, it is essential to structure your life in a way that incorporates self-care into your routine, and to avoid being solely responsible for the child’s care round the clock. It may be necessary to delegate responsibilities and periodically leave the child with your spouse, grandparents, or other family members, and if they are not available, consider hiring a nanny.
Mothers of older children, such as schoolchildren, often experience irritation due to the modern education system that involves parents in the educational process. The pressure of monitoring homework completion, arranging for tutors, and juggling household chores and personal aspirations can result in a ‘triple workload’.
Additionally, unreasonable expectations from the child can also contribute to irritation. For instance, if a mother imposes her unfulfilled dreams on her child or constantly compares her child to others, it can damage the relationship and create more irritation.
Mothers must realize that the idealized portrayal of motherhood on social media and television is often unrealistic. Successful mothers depicted in these mediums may have numerous helpers and may not reflect reality. Therefore, it is important to listen to oneself and maintain an emotional connection with the child, rather than follow societal trends and stereotypes. By doing so, mothers can reduce the level of irritation they feel.
Mothers can feel overwhelmed and tired, and children may also experience exhaustion due to their busy schedules. Enrolling a child in too many activities can not only discourage them from pursuing their interests but also lead to a loss of emotional connection with their parents. It may be helpful to reduce the workload for both the mother and child in favor of shared leisure activities, which can improve the well-being of the entire family.
Similarly, fathers may also experience frustration and exhaustion. Often, mothers take care of the children and household, while fathers work hard to provide for the family. When fathers come home after a long day of work, they may want to relax and may not feel like playing games or giving attention to their children. However, if fathers prioritize their basic needs like sleep and food, they can also focus on communicating with their children and tapping into their playful side. Children benefit from seeing their fathers not just as tired and strict providers, but also as fun-loving and childlike.
Playing games that you don’t enjoy will only make you feel forced and bored, which your child will also pick up on. Instead, try doing something silly together, such as blowing bubbles, making paper airplanes or funny-shaped sandwiches, or playing tag or shooting soft toys. These activities can bring you closer together and foster your child’s creative and physical development.
It’s important for dads to take an active role in these games and not let the responsibility fall solely on moms. By engaging in playful activities with their children, fathers can help shape their children’s perceptions of what it means to be a man and what kind of role model they want to be for their kids.
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