My parents got divorced when I was not even a year old.
I have a brother who is two years older than me. Our dad used to visit us only on Sundays until we were teenagers: he would pick us up on Saturday for the day, sometimes we went out to have fun, but mostly we just stayed at his place. We watched cartoons or played by ourselves. I remember that most of the time it was very boring.
My father had a much greater wealth than my mother and I. She worked and our grandmother raised my brother and me. My father paid child support, gave gifts, took my brother to extra activities, but didn’t show much interest in me. Even if he called home and I answered the phone, he would ask to speak to my brother.
Resentment had been accumulating for years. I couldn’t say anything, and I couldn’t even formulate the problem. I could cry to my mom about it, but there was still no result, nothing changed.
Throughout my life, I have been striving to demonstrate my worthiness to my father in order to gain his attention. Upon graduating high school, I received a scholarship for university and eagerly phoned him to share my achievement. His response, however, was simply a lackluster “good job.” As I progressed into my career, I continued to update him on significant events in my life, but his reactions remained consistently lukewarm, as though they were expected. The one instance of genuine excitement from him came when my grandson was born, which was at least a positive sign that he is capable of happiness and therefore gives me some hope.
As a mother of two preschool-aged children, I find myself questioning whether my affection for them is genuine or if I am simply fulfilling my obligation as a member of this family. Despite receiving support from my husband and grandmothers, I become overwhelmed with exhaustion from the demands of household chores. While I remain in the family due to my moral principles, I cannot help but consider what it would be like to leave, and the guilt of potentially becoming like my father weighs heavily on me. This constant contemplation of leaving takes a toll on me and drains me emotionally.
I don’t have the courage to talk to my father. I don’t know where it will lead, and I’m afraid that if I accuse him, I might harm his health.
Psychologist’s comment – What are the consequences of neglecting a father?
Thank you for your courage to open up. You shared the most painful thing, as the lack of attention from your father is experienced by you as an all-consuming sense of worthlessness.
You want to get your father’s attention through his approval, and it’s normal. But it’s normal for a child of the age when your parents divorced. Children need the approval of significant adults, it gives them confidence in their abilities. But the desire for approval must not be confused with the need for love and care.
At the age of up to five years old, a child may perceive the absence of one parent as betrayal: they were abandoned, forgotten, and feel unwanted. This undoubtedly affects the child, but this impact can be minimized if parents continue to give the child due attention: spend time with them, talk to them, and take an interest in them. But more often than not, this is not the case: the other parent, who stays with the children, is burdened with more responsibilities and cannot give the child the same attention as before. In your case, both mom and dad were out of the picture, leaving the care to the grandmother. This could have reinforced feelings of being unwanted and abandoned.
This feeling can be exacerbated if one child was given more attention and the other less. Often this happens if parents, or one of them, did not initially plan for a second child – it just happened. It also happens that if a woman’s relationship with her husband is failing, she tries to keep him by giving birth to another child.
In the future, such a situation can lead to doubts about one’s own abilities and value. Our self-interest is formed through an initial interest in significant adults – parents. And confidence in our own abilities comes from their support, acceptance, participation, and approval. A child who grew up lacking attention and interest in him develops a very poor self-image.
In addition, the child does not develop the skill of relying on themselves: they do not understand their own experiences, their own needs, and do not know what to do to satisfy them. They learn to focus on the interests and needs of adults, and in the future – of other people. At the same time, they suppress their own desires or criticize themselves for them. A person always tries to be good: they seek approval to avoid criticism and loneliness.
Growing up, a person with such a background especially needs others. But in any relationship, he experiences difficulties. On the one hand, he cannot live without a relationship – someone is needed nearby. On the other hand, being in a relationship is difficult: one has to constantly worry about what others will think of him. You always have to be on top: do not get tired of household chores, devote enough time and attention to your loved ones, and not show your weakness. Only then will he be loved – because only good girls and boys deserve care and help.
It’s impossible to allow oneself to be weak, tired, incompetent, or unable to cope. At such moments, the voice of the inner critic begins to sound in the head, which does not allow a person to feel worthy, valuable, and deserving of love. As a result, a person cannot allow themselves to receive love and care from others.
How to stop waiting for approval from father
To break the vicious circle, you need to acknowledge and mourn the fact that your father may not have loved you and may not have given you as much attention as you wanted. It’s not your fault: we don’t choose the family we are born into.
Also, don’t forget that in order to receive help, support, attention, and interest, you don’t have to be good. These are not linked things. It is sufficient to understand what you need and to ask others for it. Despite the distance from your father, you have lived up to today, which means that there were people around you who helped you with this.
To avoid waiting for someone’s approval, it is important to understand your own self-worth. Its foundation is the postulate “I exist, and that is enough.” And the second important component is the ability to listen to yourself and accept yourself as unique, not perfect. Several exercises will help you with this.
Notice your sensations, experiences, feelings, and needs. Are you warm or cold? Are you hungry or tired? Are you angry, sad, or happy? Set aside at least half an hour per day to sit in silence and observe the sensations in your body.
Get to know your features: list what you are strong at, what your talents are, what you are good at. Also analyze your weaknesses and limitations: what is not available to you, what you would like to improve, where your zones of development are. Your opportunities and limitations reflect your uniqueness.
Watch what suits you and what doesn’t, what you like and what you would like to change in different areas of your life and relationships. Take this as norms that will help you to establish your own boundaries.
Observe yourself, how you build relationships with others, what beliefs and principles you follow, to what extent they help or hinder you in building relationships.
It is important to perform these exercises regularly: when you become aware of your state and understand your needs at every moment, you can create an action plan aimed at satisfying those needs. If you understand why you are doing something, the need for someone else’s approval disappears. The value of your actions for yourself appears. These exercises will also help you understand your feelings towards your own children.
And finally, I will answer your question about whether or not to talk to your father and how to do it. There are two ways.
The first step is to tell yourself: “I exist, and that is enough!” and start getting to know yourself, strengthening your self-worth with the help of the exercises described above. At some point, your father’s attitude will become secondary to you, and your life will take first place.
The second way is to talk to your father. Ask him questions you cannot find answers to. Start the conversation by expressing your feelings, for example: “I really missed your attention. It seems to me that you love my brother, but not me. Why did you spend more time with him than with me?” Try not to blame him and give him time and space to answer your questions.
Most likely, it’s not easy for you to have this conversation: it’s scary to find out that your dad didn’t really love or want you. Such an answer will devalue all your efforts to get your father’s attention. But remember, it’s not like that. The past cannot be changed. You can only accept it and move on. And remember: all your skills and qualities, all that you have achieved in life – all of this you have thanks to your own efforts.
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