All around are idiots: what is narcissism?

Everyone has an acquaintance who loves to talk only about themselves.

He doesn’t miss an opportunity to boast: a promotion at work, a new car, how smart his children are, and how obedient his dog is. Your news and problems do not interest him. But if he encounters trouble, he will demand your support and involvement. However, this happens rarely: usually, the acquaintance is confident that he will make the best decision without your help. Such people are usually called narcissists. We talk about narcissism in the next issue of the guide to the psyche.

What is narcissism?

Narcissism is a person’s confidence in their own uniqueness, a tendency to excessively exaggerate their contribution to the common cause, and a strong craving for recognition. To some extent, these traits are inherent in everyone. However, they manifest with different intensities. Therefore, psychologists usually speak of narcissism as a spectrum, at one end of which are people who practically do not exhibit narcissistic traits, and at the other end are people with pathological narcissistic disorders.

A healthy level of narcissism is quite useful. It makes a person more active, inclined to compete with others, self-assured and ambitious, compelling them to strive for success, set ambitious goals and work hard to achieve them. Psychologists note that there are particularly many narcissists among leaders and political leaders.

Pathological, that is, strongly expressed, narcissism, on the contrary, hinders a person in life. In some countries, it is even considered an official mental disorder.

In the International Classification of Diseases used in Russia, there is no such diagnosis. However, it is recognized, for example, by the American Psychiatric Association – APA. Its recommendations list the following signs of narcissistic personality disorder:

• Huge self-importance.
• Presence of all-consuming fantasies about one’s success, influence, power, genius, perfect love.
• Confidence that only another exceptional person like himself can understand such an exceptional person. For example, someone who holds a high position in society.
• A need for admiration and praise from others.
• Lack of empathy.
• Attacks of envy – and the certainty that others envy him too.
• Demonstrative arrogance, haughtiness.

Psychologists note that people with pronounced disorders are rare. Pathological narcissism often has a mixed form and manifests not in all spheres of a person’s life. Therefore, there are many different classifications of it.

For example, some researchers distinguish several subtypes of pathological narcissists.

Open. A person constantly seeks attention and demands praise.

Hidden. A person simultaneously considers himself exceptional and yet is not confident in himself. Therefore, he may not openly demonstrate his self-importance and not demand recognition from those around him.

Toxic. It is also sometimes referred to as malignant. It is characterized by a craving for power and a desire to control others. In communication, one is inclined to use manipulative techniques, such as gaslighting or double messages.

Narcissus can have the following thoughts and attitudes:

• “I’m just a gift.”
• “She should be happy with my attention.”
• “These idiots don’t understand who they’re dealing with.”
• “I am the best.”
• “I will not communicate with those who earn less than me.”
• “No one is able to do it properly except for me.”
• “I don’t care if they are uncomfortable. I must think about myself.”

Why does narcissism arise?

Due to natural mechanisms of personality formation. In early childhood, it is believed that each of us goes through the so-called “narcissistic stage” when a child begins to take immense pleasure in their own body and what it is capable of. During this period, two models are simultaneously formed in the child: a magnificent image of themselves and an idealized image of their parents.

As a child grows up, if they receive enough care and support from adults, these two models are modified and become more realistic and adequate. However, in one way or another, narcissistic traits remain with a person until the end of their life. In most cases, this remains the norm.

Due to upbringing peculiarities, this is one of the main reasons for narcissism to develop into pathological form. If a person did not receive attention from their parents in early childhood – for example, if they were rarely praised for their first achievements or initiative actions – this can create a persistent need for admiration from others. They will do everything possible to accomplish this in adulthood.

Due to the narcissistic disorder of close relatives or parents. They often fulfill the need for recognition from others, asserting themselves through their child. The child is forced – at least internally – to defend their own self-esteem, which strengthens their narcissistic traits and behavior patterns that they unconsciously adopt from the adults raising them.

What is the danger of narcissism?

Despite the fact that people with a non-pathological level of narcissism are often successful in life, they still need external confirmation of their achievements and positive feedback from other people. If they do not receive this, they experience internal discomfort. However, usually it does not lead to negative consequences.

The problems that people with pathological narcissism face are much more serious. The disorder disrupts their ability to adapt to society: it becomes difficult for a narcissist to communicate with others and lead a normal social and professional life. They stop perceiving reality adequately and reacting flexibly to events.

In addition, narcissistic disorder can serve as a trigger for the development of mental illnesses such as depression, alcohol and drug addiction.

Difficulties arise for those who are in romantic, friendly or family relationships with a pathological narcissist. They are constantly subjected to attacks, passive aggression and manipulation. This increases the amount of negative emotions and stress in their lives. And in the long run, it can lead to problems with self-esteem, intensify anxiety, and contribute to the development of mental disorders.

What to do with narcissism?

It is nearly impossible to deal with narcissism on your own. The assistance of a psychologist or psychotherapist is necessary. They will help you understand yourself and, if needed, correct internal attitudes that underlie narcissistic behavior. Studies have shown the effectiveness of cognitive-behavioral and analytical psychotherapy. Other methods have not yielded convincing results in fighting narcissism.

However, specialists note that suspecting oneself of narcissism is a sign that you do not have a serious pathology. People who truly suffer from narcissistic disorder usually do not realize it. A painfully inflated self-esteem often prevents them from understanding that something is wrong with them. Pathological narcissists usually seek medical help when they want to be cured of a concomitant mental disorder.

Communicating with a strongly pronounced or pathological narcissist rarely brings pleasure. Usually such people are not particularly interested in full communication and see others only as means of self-assertion or achievement of goals. Therefore, many often seek to end such relationships.

For those for whom this is impossible, it is recommended to build several layers of protection:

• There’s no point in trying to change a person. Narcissists are usually convinced of their own perfection, and therefore never admit their mistakes or see the need to work on their behavior.
• Try to emotionally detach yourself from what the narcissist is saying to you. Remember that their offensive and belittling words are not based on an objective evaluation of your personality and abilities. The narcissist is only trying to manipulate you to fulfill their internal need for control and strengthen their self-esteem.
• Put your own interests first and don’t sacrifice psychological comfort. For example, if you feel that a conversation with a narcissist becomes emotionally uncomfortable for you, interrupt it.
• To minimize the narcissist’s attempts at manipulation, use a few techniques. Answer all questions as clearly as possible so as not to give them the opportunity to accuse you of something you did not mean. And make sure the conversation does not stray from the initial topic.
• If you decide to end the relationship – be firm in that decision. Almost any pathological narcissist perceives it as a painful blow to their self-esteem. And therefore, they usually try with all their might to win back the one who left them. Flattery and manipulation come into play, which can be difficult to resist. If you feel yourself starting to give in – remind yourself of how much pain this person has caused you in the relationship.